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"Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can't do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you're born. That's one thing God got wrong."

Halle Berry to Jonathan Van Meter
Vogue Magazine
September 2010

a blog by the editors, May 10, 2010

Throwing fuel on the infertile fire, we know you're always being asked -- point blank -- why you don't have children. Argh!

FertilityAuthority has offered up several suggested responses to this question, but this week in the New York Times' column, "City Room - Answers About Etiquette in New York," the question was posed to Lyudmila Bloch, an international etiquette expert, protocol consultant and author of “The Golden Rules of Etiquette at the Plaza.”

The question was from a couple who'd chosen to live child-free. We thought we'd share Ms. Bloch's response:

Q.

As a married woman in my mid-30s who has decided not to have children, it always surprises me how often I am asked: “Are you going to have children? Why not?” 
It could be at dinner parties in front of other guests, by acquaintances over lunch, at family gatherings…
Invariably my response is uncomfortable and awkward for either my husband or myself, but I can’t seem to deflect the question without seeming rude.

What would be a proper response, keeping in mind that others are involuntary witnesses to this exchange? Thank you!

— Posted by DW

A.

Unfortunately, you are not alone. Countless men and women have been confronted in social and business settings with rude and awkward questions about family, children, medical conditions, gender and more. It’s a sad fact that tactless adults in modern society are not aware that certain personal questions can never be asked… “Are you married? Do you have children?” The American etiquette expert Emily Post wrote, “Manners are sensitive awareness of the feelings of others; when you have this awareness, you have good manners!”

Next time you are confronted with an inappropriate question, simply reply: “Thank you for asking. I’m happily married and I don’t have children by choice!”

Simple. Straightforward. Usable? How do you respond to the dreaded question?

Share your one-liners below. Maybe you'll help your sisters. . . .

Laurie Gordon
Executive Editor

a blog by the editors, Feb. 26, 2010

Yesterday’s edition of the talk show The View focused solely on infertility. The show featured celebrity couple Giuliana and Bill Rancic, who are just getting ready for their first IVF following failed IUI cycles, Dr. Jamie Grifo, a fertility specialist at NYU Fertility Center, and two couples and a recently divorced woman who have infertility.

[Watch the full episode. Watch Giuliana and Bill's segment.]

The ladies of The View also talked about their own experiences with infertility. Barbara Walters adopted her daughter following three miscarriages. Sherri Shepherd had her son via IVF treatment following a failed IUI cycle and Clomid treatment. (She’s 42 and wants to have more children. She asked about freezing her eggs, but Dr. Grifo explained that at her age, she’s not a good candidate.) Elisabeth Hasselbeck had trouble getting pregnant until she realized she had Celiac Disease, and went on a gluten-free diet. She now has three children. Joy Behar had an ectopic pregnancy that almost cost her her life when her fallopian tube burst and caused internal bleeding. She has one daughter.

Some of this episode of The View was great and some of it was just plain awkward. There were a couple of “why don’t you just adopt?” moments. That’s never good. And with all due respect to Barbara Walters, she had a hard time understanding a couple of scenarios.

But my overall take-away? I praise all the women and men who went on the program to talk about a very personal issue. I’m really happy to see an open, honest dialogue about infertility: that male infertility is as prevalent as female infertility; that fertility treatments are expensive, that most infertility treatments aren’t covered by insurance; that infertility can be hard on your marriage; that having babies in your late 30s and into your 40s isn’t easy.

Yes! We need to talk more about the fact that age affects fertility!

I hope women who are trying to conceive, or who hope to one day, are listening.

Jennifer A. Redmond
Editor-In-Chief

a blog by the editors

I’m always amazed at how quick people are to judge. Truly, when I think about it, I’m shocked. Are we really that afraid of people who have views different than ours? Now, I’m not saying I never judge – I’d be lying -- but I guess because of my line of work, I feel much less apt to say someone’s family building choices are right or wrong, moral or amoral.

A recent article in the New York Times, Building a Baby, With Few Ground Rules, by Stephanie Saul, tells a horror story about a husband and wife who hired a surrogate to build their family (using donor sperm and a donor egg). The woman who acted as surrogate -- a married mother with four children of her own -- gave birth to the couple’s twins. The twins went home with the intended parents as planned. The surrogate later sued for (and won) custody of the twins when it was determined the intended mother was “unfit” because of a history of mental health issues.

The story was enough to scare the bejesus out of you and it generated LOTS of comments (163 as I write) condemning surrogacy and the families who choose it to grow their families. The article pointed out that the area of surrogacy is largely unregulated. It cites three cases where legal battles have ensued over whether intended parents are “fit” to raise the children born via surrogates.

To quote the article, “About 750 babies are born each year in this country through gestational surrogacy, and twice that many surrogacies are attempted.” That’s right, there are 750 babies born via surrogacy each year. We hear about three in this article that go awry. Maybe there are a couple others not yet documented. But the point is that 99% of births involving surrogacy go RIGHT and are positive, life-altering experiences.

While ANYONE using a surrogate should consult an experienced surrogacy lawyer, and while I agree that the parties involved in surrogacy should be subject to agreed-upon guidelines, surrogacy is NOT the Wild West. The vast majority of babies who come into this world via surrogates are loved enormously and raised under circumstances similar to those babies born by their biological parents.

Can you imagine if EVERYONE who wanted to have a child was subjected to mental health and medical analysis before building their families? Who would be deemed fit to have a child? Who has a ghost-less closet? Probably not I.

Our world is not perfect. Parents aren’t perfect. ART isn't perfect. Nor is surrogacy. But by and large it is an amazing, altruistic medical achievement that makes families complete.

The cases of surrogacies that go bad aren’t the norm.
Don’t let the outlier cases scare you . . .

Laurie C. Gordon
Managing Editor