Mother or Egg Donor?

We are still very new with this, our daughter born through DE is 11 months. I really don't know what to call our donor. I understand the terminology "the donor," especially from the emotional side when opposed with anything "mother." However, I really want to honor my daughter's genetics and much of who she is will be determined by her genetics. Some day she might want to find her egg donor and I want to make sure she knows how much I value that part of who she is. So, I don't want to downplay the importance and value I give to her donor by insisting that she is "just" a donor. Because, to do what she did was huge and has completely changed my life immensely for the better. Without her...gosh, I just don't even want to contemplate that. More than anything, I am my daughter's "real" mother as I read mentioned in reference to the Velveteen Rabbit. Regardless of the term we use, I do not feel that my motherhood is threatened. I am her mother because I mother her and love her with every bit of my being. I am using the words "donor" but I am struggling with how to express the deep connection that does exist between my daughter and her donor. One day, if they should ever meet, they will find out how much alike they look. Really, really alike. And, I am sure they will have many other things in common as well. I would like to find a term that honors this. I will check back to see what people write as I think about this often and know that shortly we will be able to start to talk about this to our daughter. We want to start sharing her story with her as soon as she can begin to understand us. I am practicing now with her, although I know she does not yet understand. I am also putting a baby book together for her that will include a page of pictures of her donor that came from the donor site. I just want to make sure she grows up as whole and complete as possible. I don't want to set her up for feeling like she can't talk about this with me, or seek out more information about that side of who she is. I want her to know that if she chooses to seek out her donor, she can do so freely without ever jeopardizing or hurting our relationship. I will support her 100%. Whatever she needs, it will be up to her. Thank you for this post!!!

Part of the frustration with egg donation is what we refer our donors as. For us the answer is easy, we are simply our child's mother. We aren't adoptive mothers, we aren't surrogate mothers, we are simply mothers. I know I don't refer to myself as an egg donor mom. I conceived my child, I carried my child, I birthed my child and I am raising my child - so for me I am just my child's mom. It's easy to get caught up in and be confused by language and verbiage, and that's why organizations like Parents Via Egg Donation are working very hard to create language that is going to be accepted by everyone globally who is involved in the arena of third party reproduction. For me my egg donor is my egg donor. I am the mom:)

Interesting question and it raises so many different issues. As with everything in life it all depends where you stand in the debate. Not only is that relevant for the complex social scenario but also the legislation of the country. In the US donors are paid (which, for European standards, is a contradiction in terms by the way) and anonymous. In the UK donors are not really paid (maximum is $400 per cycle) and full identity and information disclosure is possibly once the child reaches the age of 18. Needless to say this attracts a completely different type of donor. Personally I completely understand and agree that the donor should be called the donor because that's what she is. I'm an egg donor myself and don't see myself as the mother. In fact I get just as irritated as you if someone uses the term 'biological mother.' I am the mother only to my two own children. I have no doubt the parents of the children I helped conceive are grateful which is not linked to the term chosen to describe me. However, I deal with policies on donation related issues and have been privileged to exchange views with people on all sides of the debate including donor conceived children and now adults. Regardless of how open you choose to raise them you may well have to accept that the children view this differently. People, and that includes your own children, view the world through their own eyes, coloured with their own experiences. Assisted reproduction has given new meanings to terms that existed unthreatened for many years. There are scenario's so complex (try this one: twin surrogacy with 2 different donor eggs, 2 different sperm donors; are they siblings?..) that trying to work out what your own views are is difficult enough, let alone wanting others to see it your way. Stand firm to what you believe in to be right for your family. That's what mothers do.