The Art of Deflection

a blog by Donor Diva, January 26, 2012

If you have been around the block in your fertility journey, then you are a pro at deflecting unwanted questions. Let me give you the bad news first … THESE QUESTIONS HAVEN’T STOPPED. Even though almost everyone knows of our story, it doesn’t stop the question: “When are you going to have second?”

While in the trenches of infertility, I assumed these questions would stop after our child was born. Now that Ant is almost 2, people are getting more serious about interrogating us on when we are having a second child. These questions can be answered several different ways:

1. Snarky: “Umm, whenever the _____ it happens.” “How is this any of your business?”
2. Flat-out lies: “When pigs fly.”
3. Half Truths: “I am not ready yet.” “Not for awhile.”
4. Total honesty.

My normal response is usually a half-truth. While my responses to people’s probing questions about my procreation are generally true, I still feel as though I am lying to them and ultimately to myself. There is a part of me that is feeling left behind because many of the mommies of children Ant’s age are pregnant again now. They are growing a little sister or brother, but the truth of the matter is, we aren’t able to join them right now.

Even though I have accepted that we are waiting to try again, every time I am asked, “Are you ready for a second, or when are you going to have a second?” part of me flinches inside because I know the true answer, which is very long and ultimately isn’t the answer they want to hear. “I used an egg donor to get pregnant the first time. We have one frozen embryo left, and when Ant is done breastfeeding, then we will start seriously thinking about transferring our embryo. Until then, we are just going to try on our own and enjoy our sweet little boy.” This response could keep going on with more details about how if the frozen embryo transfer doesn’t work, then we are considering adopting a second, and we would need to save up money for the adoption. So instead of the truth, I give the half-truth and deflect the question.

What is your response to someone asking when you are going to have a child or a second child after struggling with infertility?