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Secondary Infertility Support

Secondary infertility occurs when you are unable to get pregnant, despite having frequent unprotected sex for at least a year, after previously having another child. Because you have had a baby, it’s probably bewildering that you’re having difficulty conceiving this time. The fact is, secondary infertility is on the rise. Your doctor may say, “Give it time, it worked before.” However, as women reach their mid- to late-30s fertility begins to decline rapidly, and waiting can further complicate the issue.

You may be reluctant to talk about your wish for another child because you don’t want to seem greedy. There’s much less sympathy for women with secondary infertility than there is for those who have never been able to conceive! There are some other unique challenges as well:

  • You are caught between two words: the infertility treatment world and the parenting world.
  • Taking your child with you to medical appointments or having to get babysitters on a regular basis is challenging.
  • You and your partner may disagree about having another child.
  • The financial strain of treatment may be a concern when you are currently parenting.
  • The pressure from your child to have a brother or sister can be painful.
  • If you are from a big family, you may be sad at the prospect of having a small family.
  • Infertility treatment can impact your children; they may worry about your frequent trips to the doctor or see you injecting fertility medications. Likewise, your emotional ups and downs can have an impact on your child.

If treatment is unsuccessful, deciding what to do next is challenging. You have to face the following questions:

  • If you adopt, what would it be like to have a blended family?
  • If you use donor egg or sperm will you share that information with all your children?
  • What would it be like to have an only child?

If you have secondary infertility, recognize the unique challenges and take time to think them through. With support and information you can work through this.

Subjects: 
Secondary Infertility
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Special Features (slideshow)

Comments

Submitted by martina_honan on Wed, 02/17/2010 - 2:55pm
i have a two year old little boy and i had him through ivf, the clinic i used told me i had what was considered secondry infertility. I would love to have a second child but it hasnt happened naturally and now i am faced with the prospect of having to go through ivf again or to just be satisfied to have my precious little boy. i have always dreamed of a large family i was an only child so i really dont want to have my son grow up an only child as well. the cost of ivf has increased dramatically in ireland. could anyone send me any advice on this matter as i would be eternally grateful.

Submitted by InfertileNaomi on Fri, 02/19/2010 - 12:30pm
I am still trying for baby #1 but no doubt I will be doing secondary (and tertiary, if I get that lucky). I am doing IVF now and will go immediately to IVF for number two.

Submitted by Danika King on Fri, 05/07/2010 - 12:26pm
I have a five year old. It is very frustrating because for the past year and half I had stop taking birth control and hoping that I will get pregnant but to no avail. I do not know if I am suffering from secondary infertility since I never did any test to that effect.

Submitted by Trezay73 on Tue, 05/11/2010 - 9:34am
I am a victim of secondary infertility. I would like to strongly suggest one thing primarily to anyone out there interested in having there first or even second or third child.... if you cannot get pregnant then please do not hesitate to got to the doctor. I have a beautiful 11 year old daughter she is my little egg that could!!! No drugs over,11 years ago, unexpectedly I ended up pregnanat with her for the grace of god! Now I am not a big religious fanatic but I do thank goodness or what ever is there, because I do believe there is some thing there for bringing her into my life. In the interim I had many losses 6 to be exact blighted ovums, D&C's miscarriages, yadda yadda. I finally took myself to an infertility specialist because my OB GYN could NOT help me at all. Even though she/he tried. Finally 7 years ago I get the diagnosis which is horrible because I have the double whammy.....PCOS and the cherry on the sundae.....a balanced translocationof my chromosomes. It has been a long journey to get to where I am at now. The first clinic that I went to was un helpful adn not informative at all I felt like a number and to think they were callign themselves the best in Boston....UGH. The secodn clinic I went to was beautiful but after 3 failed IVF cycles one with PGD (which why they allowed me to go through with it knowing what I know now... makes no sense what so ever and I am very mad about that). The third clinic has been terrific and te doctor is GREAT I now need to go for my second IVF with them my fifth treatment all together ....my 3rd with PGD. I live in a world surrounded by fertile woman havign babies at will. And all I have ever wanted was children and it is the thign I cannot give my husband. We love our dughter dearly and she loves us , she wants a sibling too.

Submitted by Deidra on Tue, 06/15/2010 - 12:55pm
3 months after my husband and I got married we easily got pregnant with our beatuiful son. He will be 9 in three days. When he was one year old we started trying again. it of course was suppose to be easy right!? Well apparently not. We can't afford to do any treatments and we have only done a few tests. With no apparent reason as to why we can't get pregnant. I am now almost 38 with no hope. My heart aches everyday and Breaks on the days my son tells me he wishes he had a sibling. I am so thankful for the one child I was able to have but I SO yearn for more. Being a mom is what I was suppose to do. why can't I do it to the fullest?

Submitted by clarkes13 on Mon, 12/06/2010 - 6:43pm
I am going to the exact same thing. We have been trying for baby #2 for 5 years. We cannot afford IVF or any other treatments. I am a teacher and EVERYONE around me is getting pregnant. I'm always asked why I don't have another one yet. Anyway, I would love someone to talk to.

Submitted by BethAn26 on Wed, 06/16/2010 - 7:47am
I was diagnosed w/multiple factor secondary infertility in Oct. 2009, 8 mos. after trying unsuccessfully to conceive a 2nd baby starting in Jan. 09. My 1st child...a son...was born in June of 07. He was conceived naturally w/barely a thought. I was 31 when I got pregnant w/him & 32 when he was born, after a fairly easy pregnancy. However, 2 mos. before he was born we found out my husband, a military officer, had orders to S.E. Asia & we were to be transferred there in Sept. 07. I was shocked & not happy about it, as it came out of nowhere, & added a lot of stress to my pregnancy & postpartum period. We moved overseas in Sept. 07 & since we were only going to be there 14 mos., I decided I'd wait until after we returned to the States to attempt another pregnancy as we didn't have access to a US military hospital where we were & it would've been a huge hassle logistic's wise. We returned to the US for good in Nov. 08 & moved to the state of NM in Jan. 09. Immediately, we started trying for baby no. 2. It was the classic case of "oh the 1st one happened so effortlessly...2nd one should be a breeze!" Little did I know, how wrong I would turn out to be...& I had just turned 34. Finally, in Sept. 09 I realized something wasn't right. I also noticed my cycle's were coming every 21-23 days & they were out of control heavy! By Oct. I met w/an RE who ordered a battery of labwork, two scans, & labwork on my husband. My husband's SA came back w/a sperm morphology issue, I had a right blocked f. tube (dom.ovary), & the icing on the cake...I had autoimmune thyroiditis. Between all of this, the best overall chance for getting pregnant he gave us was if we did IVF. We successfully completed our 1st round of IVF in Jan. 10 w/one of two embryo transfer's implanting. 6 wks. later I miscarried due to the embryo failing to develop. We plan on our 2nd attempt in July...we'll see what happens! Now I find myself inundated w/friends & family getting pregnant & giving birth to 2nd & 3rd children, innocent but invasive questions of "so when is baby no. 2," & the proverbial insensitive "well at least you have one." Which btw, makes it worse b/c you really know what you're missing. Not to mention having to live w/the lingering threat of my ovaries failing on me at any given moment as a woman w/thyroid disease. It's been a real emotional roller coaster. I hope that the field of women's health starts making fertility screening standard during yearly exams. Never was I counseled or warned in my 20's that as someone who suffered from dysmennorhea & irregular periods that I could be at risk for fertility problems. Wish the best for everyone out there faced w/this struggle!

Submitted by Crystal on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 6:53pm
My husband and I have a 7 year old have have been trying to have another baby for 4 years now. We had our daughter with no problems, but now we are on clomid and medforim for the last 2 months now. I feel if i can have one i can have another. so far nothing!!!!

Submitted by claire on Thu, 12/16/2010 - 8:00am
Four years is a long time to be trying to have a baby - and I hope that you are now seeing a fertility doctor - also known as a reproductive endocrinologist. I know that many ob/gyns will prescribe Clomid - but given your situation you should really see a fertility doctor who can adequately diagnose and treat your condition. Best, Claire

Submitted by Melissa on Thu, 02/24/2011 - 7:13pm
Thank you for acknowledging secondary infertility. I have 10, almost 11 year old triplets. When they were 3, I was divorced, and I remarried 3 years ago. My husband has a son who is 12. We want another child....however, I have been unable to conceive. Thank you so much for bringing attention to this.... I do not know how many times I have heard, "well, at least you have 3, you should feel very blessed". I do feel blessed, 3 times over, however, I still mourn for the 2nd pregnancy I never have had, and for the child I haven't been able to conceive. I became pregnant with the triplets using Clomid and insemination. At the time, it was unknown infertility issues. However, 4 years ago I found out I have stage 4 endometriosis. I have had 2 laperoscopies, Clomid for 2 months and Lupron shots for 6 months. Plus hormone pills, etc. Our last doctor (fertility specialist) we saw said the only way I may have a chance is through IVF. We don't want to go that far....so, I still mourn quietly, and I just wanted to say thank you for acknowledging this and understanding that although women have a child or more, once they are not able to conceive, or have trouble conceiving, it is still traumatic. Melissa

Submitted by Kori on Mon, 03/21/2011 - 7:38pm
Yes, thank you all. Secondary infertility sometimes seems like a dirty secret. I have a beautiful 16 yr old son that was my miracle baby. I’ve been trying for 15 yrs with several miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me…and no live births. I hear it all too often “at least you had one miracle”, and I feel selfish that it somehow doesn’t comfort me and just upsets me more. My 40th birthday is this year and this economy has sealed our fate in allowing us to financially afford IVF. The heart wrenching truth of knowing I will not have another baby is probably the as devastating to me as losing a loved one. You are all in my thoughts and prayers that you will all get your “secondary miracle”.

Submitted by warrench on Tue, 02/21/2012 - 9:25pm
I have a 2 year old son who is the pride of my life, he was conceived after our first IVF treatment.. we've since had 2 more treatments to try for a brother/sister for him and both attempts have failed miserably.. I really selfishly thought having the second one would be easy.. but now it has hit me on the head that perhaps we can't have a second one. .. I see him play by himself all the time and it kills me to see the loneliness of not having a sibling... It makes me cry and it makes me even love him more because he is all I have got, even just writing this makes my eyes water as I think of him. I feel for all those who are trying everything they can to have the first baby, keep on trying its worth every effort, from the bottom of my heart I hope everyone succeeds in their treatment... sincere wishes to you all.

Submitted by sonya617 on Tue, 03/13/2012 - 11:46am
Hi,I have a 18yo. & a 10 yo.Not with my husband,he has 3 children(6,7) him being 28 me 35.We had a baby boy 2008,our baby passed away from SIDS.We knew we wanted a large family,but spent the 1st yr. saying we should wait because of fear of our new baby feeling that we tried to replace our son,we didn't do anything to prevent pregnancy,so in March 09 I did in fact get preg. again but suffered a miscarriage early along.I thought it was from stress for I knew my mind state was not normal and I kept trying to stay focused on feeling alive for my other 2 children at home.But about a year after 2010 I realised every period that came I got deeper and deeper into a depression.Why wasn't I getting pregnant,was I being punished for something,felt my baby was takin from us now I will never have another baby of my own.I longed to carry I longed to be a new mommy again.I love my children I am not trying to replace,I just worry that because I haven't had but 1 miscarriage in the last 3 yrs. that it isn't in the cards.My husband I know wants more children,and he is younger than me,he used to joke saying he married me cause he knew I would give him many children!I feel like I not only cant give him the family he wishes but I also broke his heart by having his JR that didn't survive.I have been pregant many times 11 to be exact,miscarriages,ectopics,n 3 births.I think that is why I am so confused why now I'm infertile.I did go to my OBGYN and did all test to rule out infertilty.I have become obsessed with ovulation kits,timed intercourse,ect. ect...I keep hearing that I'm trying to hard and when I stop then it will happen I'm just worried if I don't plan it then I am just getting to old,I have Clomid and haven't takin it because my body doesn't work well with any type of medication and they said risk of multiples but all my children was born prematurly,I wouldn't be able to carry more than 1.Could it be I just don't have that many eggs,are there test to tell how well my eggs are?Is there anything more I can do(done almost everything naturally I can think of)to help.I know allot of women can't get pregnant and I know I already have 5 and 1 in Heaven,but I promise that I count my blessings and never take my blessings for granted!

Submitted by claire on Wed, 03/14/2012 - 7:14am
Hi Sonya - I'm sorry you are having a hard time getting pregnant. You should definitely see a fertility doctor who can perform a fertility workup, to help determine whether you are ovulating, the quantity and quality of your eggs, and reason you are not getting pregnant. You can <a href=http://www.fertilityauthority.com/doctors/findnearme>find a fertility doctor here</a>. If I can be of any help, email me at claire@fertilityauthority.com.

Submitted by elibeach on Sat, 04/21/2012 - 12:18pm
After many years of soul searching and 5 iui's, 4 losses, and two ivf cycles my husband and I are trying to come to terms with the possibility of having only one child to love....I know how blessed we are...Our little girl is our miracle, but it is not selfish or wrong to want a sibling...I know this, now if others would just get on board. Sorry, needed to vent...we just finished our last fet and it didn't go well...we are financially at the end of our rope and I am very glad to have found this site.

Submitted by EBP on Mon, 02/25/2013 - 6:57pm
We have a wonderful 6 year old (conceived with Chinese medicine and western together, but mostly acupuncture, i think, due to my PCOS)who begs me daily for a sibling. We took a long time befor trying to have a second due to the economy, lost jobs at different times. We married late and had our daughter when I was still just barely 35. So I am 41, nearly 42, and we have done 3 IUI's, 2 with clomid, and now we have been doing acupuncture for a couple cycles. We had 2 chemical pregnancies in the past year. As I approach 42, and our financial lives aren't significantly better, we are strongly leaning toward giving up totally on the "project". I am sad but think it makes the most sense. Now how to release my energies from this?! I'm really so used to this process and was pretty calm with it. I don't feel desperate to have another child, but it would have been wonderful.

Submitted by shalayla on Sat, 05/04/2013 - 5:09pm
I feel lIke god os punIshIng me,I have a 10 yr old son and I had 1abortIon because my pregnancy was not planned and I was In nursIng school. I have been tryIn to get pregnant every sInce then,and I have had 2 mIscarrIages,and now I cant get pregnant at all,Its goIng on 10 yrs now. I cry every month,I just dIdnt want to brIng another baby In thIs world wIthout a dad.

Submitted by KimAtFertilityA... on Mon, 05/06/2013 - 6:42am
Hi Shalayla, I am so sorry you are going through this. Have you consulted a fertility doctor? We can help; you find a reputable doctor near you. Give us a call at 1-855-955-BABY (2229). Our Patient Care Coordinators are current and former fertility patients who understand how you're feeling and how important it is to find a great doctor! Best, Kim

Submitted by Gracelynn on Fri, 05/24/2013 - 10:35am
I have been plagued by secondary infertility issues for the last 3 years. I had an umplanned blessing nearly eight years ago in the form of a beautiful baby boy. I struggled being a single parent for several years before marrying a wonderful man and fabulous step-father. I am nearing 30 and he is nearing 40. We knew from the moment we met that we wanted to have another child. And as a woman, I wanted to be able to share in the experience with my husband. I was diagnosed with PCOS 3 years ago. I immediately started treatment with Metformin and proceeded to lose 45 pounds. Yet, our fertility struggles continued. As many of you know insurane does not cover fertility issues. We have forgone most treatment options due to the expense, but were able to use Chlomid. We have now reached the limited on using it and are left with no other viable options. I am heartbroken. I love my first-born but want so desperately to share a child with my husband. I want to see his eyes or cheeks and my chin or nose in a healthy baby. My husband struggles daily with how to help me and our friends though they have been wonderful have all recently announced pregnancies. So, I have begun to withdraw. It is just so heartbreakingly painful to sit through dinners or get togethers without wanting to breakdown. I have and still continue to struggle with guilt and anger,resentment and the feeling of failure. I don't know that I will ever be ok with not having another child, but I am trying my best to come to terms with it. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?

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