Telling Others

Questions such as, “Do you have children yet?” or “Do you have a family?” force you to consider whom to tell about your fertility challenges. The pros of telling others are that you may get support and feel less alone; the cons are that you may get lots of unsolicited advice, judgment, and perhaps too much support. You don’t know when people you have told will bring up the subject of your infertility and if it will be a time you feel especially vulnerable. Or you may live in constant worry that the topic of children and babies will come up when you are in the company of those you haven’t told.

Deciding whether and whom to tell in your workplace is tricky. You may be concerned that sharing the fact that you are trying to have a family may impact a promotion. On the other hand, trying to fit in appointments without telling others why you will be out of the office can definitely add to your stress level. If you don’t want your employer or supervisor to know you are having infertility treatment, consider telling them that you are having medical treatments for a non-life-threatening medical issue. Including the phrase “non-life-threatening” is important, so they don’t jump to any incorrect conclusions.

Make a Plan

Before telling others about your struggle to have a baby:

• Decide what details you (and your partner) want to share and what you want to keep private. This is important if you feel you might be judged because you are doing high-tech treatment such as in vitro fertilization (IVF) or using donor eggs or donor sperm. Men may feel uncomfortable sharing details about the cause of male-factor infertility. Both partners need to be comfortable with what and how much information is shared and with whom.
• Decide who specifically you want to tell and determine if there are certain people you do not want to tell.
• Think about what you want from the people you tell. Be specific. Do you want them to check in with you and ask how things are going? Or, do you want to say, “We will keep you posted, just keep us in your thoughts.” In other words, take control — don’t let others be in control.
• If you get unsolicited advice or “words of wisdom” that are upsetting and insensitive, consider saying, “That is not helpful to hear right now.”
• If you are waiting for the results from a treatment cycle and don’t want to have to answer a lot of calls and inquiries, consider having a point person who will give your friends and family the latest news.
• If you have suffered miscarriages, and now have a positive pregnancy test, consider only telling those who can really be emotionally available for you, in case you have another loss.

The fertile word is all around you. One area you can take control of is deciding whom to tell what you are going through and asking what you need from them.