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EXCERPT: "Why Don't You Just Adopt?"

Navigating the LAND of IF: Understanding Your Infertility and Exploring Your Options (Seal Press 2009)

Whenever I hear this question, I immmediately picture myself throwing one of those heavy adoption books at the perpetrator and yelling: “If it’s just adoption, that shouldn’t cause too much of a bruise, right?”

Even if you haven’t begun exploring this path yet, you’ve probably gotten a sense by visiting online communities that there is no “just” in adoption. It is a very difficult process – emotional, financially and physically – and there are very real people with very real emotions involved. This is a situation that requires a long-term commitment and should be explored only with eyes wide and an open heart. In other words, it is never a quick fix to parenthood, nor should it be treated as such.

Even worse is the horribly self-righteous, “How can you do treatment when there are so many children who need homes?” Parents are not saviors – they are merely people raising children. And all parents or parents-to-be should be afforded the right to build their family in a way that works for all members. Without an outsider’s input.

Yet another variation on this is, “Once you adopt, you’ll get pregnant.” (Are they insinuating you should adopt just so that you can conceive?!) Tiresome as it is, this is a statement that demands that you educate the guilty party. People who make statements like this aren’t exactly the type of people who like to research their facts, so tell them yourself, ”There is no connection between adoption and pregnancy. The number of those who conceive after adoption is the exact same as the number of those who are infertile and conceive without treatments after not adopting: about eight percent!

Chapter 5 - The Road to Hell is Paved in "Just Relax!"

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