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Love & Infertility


by Kristen Magnacca

During a recent conversation with one of my coaching clients, I noticed was that she was just plain angry. After six years of trying to conceive, her journey was filled with heartbreak. She’d had surgery, clomid cycles, IUI and progressed to IVF where she achieve three pregnancies that resulted in miscarriages.

Her anger was echoed through her words but the one statement that struck me was how she felt that she “had done everything right and still had no baby.”

Who could blame her for her anger? She was correct. She had done everything right and was rewarded with heartbreak and failure.

I remembered feeling similar emotions when we were in the midst of our journey. The strongest was that of feeling “angry at the world” and victimized at our life situation.

Then one day, I stumbled onto one of my now favorite quotes, written by Leo Buscaglia, which seemed to give me an instruction manual to help me move through the anger.

    “Love yourself - accept yourself - forgive yourself and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.”

I had read Leo Buscaglia’s quote numerous times, but on that day it seemed to be shouting a recipe to me to move through the anger.

I shared the recipe with my coaching client and I’d like to share it with you now:

Ingredient 1: Love Yourself
Hmmm. Not so much of this happens when you’re feeling so negative. The emotion that is prevalent is probably in direct opposite of love; hate, as a matter of fact. The best strategy for this part of the recipe is creating a “Gratitude List” of what you are thankful for each day regarding your body. Stop and think about all the tasks your hands perform each and every day it will amaze you. So start with your hands and build your list.

Ingredient 2: Accept Yourself
Right at this moment, accept yourself for all that you have done to create your family. Just right now. Not the past or the future. Right now. Perhaps using the affirmation “All is Well” will help your connect with acceptance.

Ingredient 3: Forgive Yourself (this is the Big Enchilada!)
Forgiveness. We are often so willing to forgive others, but are unable to grant ourselves the same generosity of spirit. Forgive yourself for all the negative thoughts that are holding you back in the darkness of this experience. Forgive yourself for being angry with yourself and your body.

To forgive is defined as to “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” I moved through the anger at my body by implementing a suggestion from my friend Lisa Knox, who is a craniosacral physical therapist. She advised me to do this at night before I would fall asleep:

    Place one hand on your abdomen and the other on your heart and connect these two energy areas through love, thanking your uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes and cervix for working together to create a baby.

Ingredient 4: Be Good to Yourself
Find one way to be good to yourself. One way a day is my motto.

For me, it’s having a frothy coffee in the morning. Sounds silly, but each and every morning I make myself a hot coffee by warming my milk in the microwave and then using a $15.99 milk frother to foam my milk and then add my coffee. This is my own personal daily indulgence and daily nurturing item. Focus on the one thing each day you can give yourself to sustain your soul.

Just like Leo Buscaglia says, “Because without you, the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things!”


Kristen Magnacca is a mother, author, entrepreneur, speaker, life coach, and expert on the emotional aspects of infertility. She published her first book, Girlfriend to Girlfriend: A Fertility Companion, in 2000, followed by Love and Infertility, Survival Strategies for Balancing Infertility, Marriage and Life in 2004 which is the recipient of The Hope Award 2009 for Best Book from RESOLVE.

Kristen has been featured on the Today Show and in publications including Woman’s World, the Boston Globe,,, and Kristen and her husband Mark live on Cape Cod with their children, Grace and Cole. Kristen invites readers to contact her through her website at

You're Angry. We Get It. Try this recipe to move through the pain.

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