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A blog by ChelseaRitchie, January 7, 2015
Dreams are powerful. Not just the big, fluffy goals type of dreams. Real dreams. The kind where your head hits the pillow, the stories play out in your mind and then you wake up, replaying the world you were just in.
If you are anything like me, some of the most hope-filled moments in this journey have been held in dream-form. I remember one dream last summer where I held my newborn, passing her from family member to family member before taking her back to feed her. The normalcy of motherhood experienced in that dream was as real as life. When I woke I listened for my baby in the other room. Wait, I didn’t have a baby? And like that, the beauty of that moment slipped away, leaving me with a beautiful gift and an empty hole.
John Mayer sings “When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”
I feel you John. Waking up can be hard. Whether you have experienced a loss or are still waiting to see those two little lines appear on a pregnancy test for the first time, the hole in your heart can feel overwhelming. We are just coming off the news of another failed cycle, an IUI, and I am re-reminded of how messy 2 week waits can be. No matter how hard I try not to connect with our hopeful baby blooming inside me (must. protect. my. heart.), I can’t help it. I touch my stomach a bit more tenderly, being cautious not to run up the stairs too fast and making fictitious promises to said-“baby”. She must have been able to tell her mama was lying about Jason Mraz singing live to her upon her birth. Hrmp.
But friends, I live for those dreams. They remind me that motherhood will one day come naturally to me and that the feeling of love and blissful contentment that they talk about in books is real. If I can feel that kind of love in my dreams, I can’t imagine what I will feel one day when my dreams become reality.
Hang on to those dreams. Both the dreams of motherhood and the sweet rare blessings that come at night. Maintain the faith it takes to continue to pursue that. Sometimes we will fail, more often then I personally would like, but it’s in the times of failure and disappointment where I find God the most. As another month passes us by, I am reminded how faithful He is to meet me when I wake up and find myself on my knees. Give yourself grace to acknowledge that this is hard but don’t get trapped by the hard. Oh friend, it’s so difficult. There are days the world seems to pause and all you can see are reminders of your pain. Those are the days we have to try our hardest to see the beauty, the joys, the treasures we have outside our dreams.
So until our dreams become reality, keep the faith. And if you don’t have the heart to hang onto it today, pass the duty off to me and I will keep the faith for you. Don’t be fooled into thinking that God doesn’t hear these prayers we pray. He’s so capable of hearing our fears, sorrows and worries and sustaining us as we wait. I’m leaning into Him right along with you.
Until our next coffee date …