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A blog by ChelseaRitchie, January 7, 2015

Dreams are powerful. Not just the big, fluffy goals type of dreams. Real dreams. The kind where your head hits the pillow, the stories play out in your mind and then you wake up, replaying the world you were just in.

If you are anything like me, some of the most hope-filled moments in this journey have been held in dream-form. I remember one dream last summer where I held my newborn, passing her from family member to family member before taking her back to feed her. The normalcy of motherhood experienced in that dream was as real as life. When I woke I listened for my baby in the other room. Wait, I didn’t have a baby? And like that, the beauty of that moment slipped away, leaving me with a beautiful gift and an empty hole.

John Mayer sings “When you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”

I feel you John. Waking up can be hard. Whether you have experienced a loss or are still waiting to see those two little lines appear on a pregnancy test for the first time, the hole in your heart can feel overwhelming. We are just coming off the news of another failed cycle, an IUI, and I am re-reminded of how messy 2 week waits can be. No matter how hard I try not to connect with our hopeful baby blooming inside me (must. protect. my. heart.), I can’t help it. I touch my stomach a bit more tenderly, being cautious not to run up the stairs too fast and making fictitious promises to said-“baby”. She must have been able to tell her mama was lying about Jason Mraz singing live to her upon her birth. Hrmp.

But friends, I live for those dreams. They remind me that motherhood will one day come naturally to me and that the feeling of love and blissful contentment that they talk about in books is real. If I can feel that kind of love in my dreams, I can’t imagine what I will feel one day when my dreams become reality.

Hang on to those dreams. Both the dreams of motherhood and the sweet rare blessings that come at night. Maintain the faith it takes to continue to pursue that. Sometimes we will fail, more often then I personally would like, but it’s in the times of failure and disappointment where I find God the most. As another month passes us by, I am reminded how faithful He is to meet me when I wake up and find myself on my knees. Give yourself grace to acknowledge that this is hard but don’t get trapped by the hard. Oh friend, it’s so difficult. There are days the world seems to pause and all you can see are reminders of your pain. Those are the days we have to try our hardest to see the beauty, the joys, the treasures we have outside our dreams.

So until our dreams become reality, keep the faith. And if you don’t have the heart to hang onto it today, pass the duty off to me and I will keep the faith for you. Don’t be fooled into thinking that God doesn’t hear these prayers we pray. He’s so capable of hearing our fears, sorrows and worries and sustaining us as we wait. I’m leaning into Him right along with you.

Until our next coffee date …


Comments (13)

First time reading your blog :) Encouraging words I needed today! My husband and I have been TTC for 2.5 years! Been through all the meds and IUIs. Praying for and seeking wisdom and comfort as we decide when to purse the next step in iur fertility battle. What gets me through each month is my hope in The Lord! He is preparing his best for us and his timing IS perfect! I feel your heart and know you are not alone. Thanks for being so open and honest! Kailee :)

Oh Chelsea, I fully believe you are about to get a baby or twins or even triplets with your IUI attempts. That's how I got my twins, and you will be so prepared. These babies will be so blessed. Bless your heart for God. Can't wait to see what He's going to do! Jess from BSF :)

Chels, I love your blog! :) so glad you have an opportunity to encourage others along this path. Xoxoxoxo and keep on dreaming!

Beautifully said, Chelsea. You are so, so right. Dreams are pretty amazing and God is even more amazing. I have all the faith in God that your dreams will come true.

Thanks Allison! You are helping me continue to keep the faith with your encouragement! God is good! XO!

Beautifully said. I've often wondered whether John Mayer knew just how spot on he was when he wrote the song that could have been called "dreaming with an infertile heart"

Beautifully written as always! I also had those sweet dreams at night and the way it seemed so real was overwhelming! In reality, however, it felt different! Much less perfect, more complex, mixed in with fear... The perfect peace and joy comes only at night to me. But oh how I love it's sweetness! Wishing you peace and joy on this journey!

Olga, what you wrote it beautiful! I am certain the complexity of the realities of motherhood are far more than anyone can imagine in advance. I am thankful for your encouragement and wishes! XOX!

A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep. In dreams you will lose your heartaches, whatever you wish for, you keep. Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling thru. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true.

I am not sure what it was about reading these simple song lyrics but you made my eyes fill with tears ... just perfect. Thank you.

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