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Surrogacy 101 - How To Choose Your Surrogate

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a blog by Grey Fox, October 11, 2013

This is the 3rd in my Surrogacy 101 series. Click the links below if you need to play catch up.

What Is Surrogacy?
What is the Cost of Surrogacy?’re thinking about surrogacy or have decided to go ahead with it. You think you’ve got the buns covered but you need to find an oven for baking them. How do you do that?

There are three basic avenues for finding your oven:

  • Go through a surrogacy agency and have them “match” you
  • Go through a surrogacy website and try to find a good match yourself
  • Ask a friend or family member or wait/hope for one to offer

Finding a surrogate can be a pretty tricky thing to do. In this post, I will write more about ensuring she’s a good match as opposed to the mechanics and logistics of actually seeking a surrogate (I’ll address that in the next post - I know, I know, cart before the horse and all of that…).

For the sake of argument, let’s suppose that you have already identified a potential candidate or that a friend or family member has offered. How do you know if she’s right for you?

There are some relatively obvious boxes to check at first

  1. Has she had a successful, relatively problem-free, pregnancy? If the answer is no then keep looking.
  2. Is she mentally stable? Does she really seem to “get” that this is not her baby? In all likelihood she does, but you want to make sure.
  3. Is she willing to go through any and all tests that you want her to have? Like amniocentesis, for example. If you’re a bit older and she’s younger this may not have been something she needed in her own pregnancy.
  4. Do you have the same views on termination? This is really important if testing reveals a serious problem with the unborn baby.
  5. Is she willing/able to carry twins? Are you willing to have twins? How many embryos do you want to transfer and how many is she willing to take on?
  6. What is her motivation for doing this? Is she all about the benjamins (seems doubtful, but you never know)? Are her motives solely altruistic? Or does she stand to gain something (other than money) from this?
  7. What level of involvement do you want to have in the pregnancy? What level of involvement is she comfortable with?
  8. What level of involvement do you both expect to maintain after the baby is delivered? Will she be an honorary aunt? Will you update her with pictures? Will you show her picture to your child?
  9. Do you trust her? A lot of the previous items are kind of concrete. She’s healthy, she’s had a successful pregnancy, you agree on when and why to potentially terminate or not. But trust is more of a gut reaction. Do you trust this woman to provide the best environment possible for your child? You kind of have to go with your gut on this one. If you’ve gone through an agency perhaps you can trust the agency to have thoroughly vetted her. If you haven’t...on this one, it’s your call. No lawyer or social worker is going to give this to you. You can’t control her or her every action… So do you trust her with your baby’s life?

If the answer is no... keep looking. Just because she's offered doesn't mean she's a good choice.

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