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The Sexy Paper Mini Skirt

a blog by The Infertile Editors: Chris and Candace, December 6, 2013

“Hey stud how about we make a baby today? Oh, and guess what I am not wearing any underwear” Lights dim, butterflies in your stomach start fluttering. This is the point where I stop you and inform you that this is not the steamy new next Fifty Shades of Grey book series. Turns out you are actually in stirrups at your 6th RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist AKA fertility doctor) appointment this week and you and your husband are awkwardly sitting in a room with about 2 nurses, 2 fellows, an RE, one Mr. Ultrasound wand and a partridge in a pear tree. The best part, all of this magic takes place in a sexy paper mini skirt. Not to be confused with the lacey thing that you got as an anniversary present and only wore once when you first started trying to conceive. To all the REs, OBs and crotch docs out there, pony up for some cloth gowns because I think all of us can agree that the paper mini is not flattering and is deemed by the fashion police as a major infraction, second only to the fanny pack.

Here is a few reasons why:

  1. It only covers half a butt cheek. Some sort of your parts will not be fully covered. This geometric dilemma is almost like trying to figure out a Rubik’s cube. This is not one size fits all.
  2. Dual usage as a ginormous tissue after you have been gooped and probed. Which it obviously is not 2-ply for extra absorbency and comfort.
  3. Nothing says “I am a sexy wife” more than shuffling out of a changing room door into your stirrup throne when you have a paper mini skirt.
  4. I don’t wear, scratch that, I don’t try to sausage myself into a mini skirt now, much less a paper one.
  5. They tear, rip and it makes a crunchy sound every move you make. You may as well put a bell around my neck.
  6. Worst date ever. We arrive, get naked, (no wine mind you) and get forced to wear an uncomfortable paper tarp. We also pay for all of our romancing.

Although it does appeal to the frugal side of me, after all a paper mini skirt has got to be much cheaper than a leather one, I will agree with Candace that there are few things that could be considered sexy about the paper mini skirt. It is revealing, for sure, but there is a certain amount of the alluring qualities of that which are lost when they start to ready the ultrasound wand and you are hoping that they find an impressively thick uterine wall for what we pray will be a successful transfer. That doesn’t even sound sexy in a sensual Barry White voice. The only benefit of your significant other wearing this enticing garb is the knowledge that you will see her again in an outfit that could not possibly have Dunder-Mifflin on it. If I never had to see another paper mini skirt again that was worn when we were told our more usual bad news, I think I could live with that. BUT, if there were a paper mini skirt that was worn when we saw a little embryonic sack or heart beat for the first time, I think I would consider bronzing and framing it. Either way, fashion police aren’t let into the back of our RE’s clinic and I don’t see that changing any time soon so the paper mini skirt will live on for the foreseeable future.

C&C from MTV's True Life

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