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The Christmas Conundrum

a blog by Madison Rae, December 19, 2013

If I am honest, the holidays are one of the most difficult times to manage when it comes to infertility. This past weekend I was out shopping for a baby shower that I am attending next month and as I was in Baby Gap, the adorable outfits got to me. As I saw one mother strolling her baby around and stop to admire this little polka dotted sweater and red pants with ruffles on the bum….the familiar ache and long crept back in. As I watched her coo with her sweet infant and have a conversation with her (apparent) spouse about their upcoming traditions, tears welled up. And then, I furiously blinked them away. I loathe being “that woman”.

But, often times it just cannot be helped. That is the part about infertility that I really dislike the most. The never ending emotions that seem to pop up out of nowhere. Jealousy is not really attractive. And it is even less appealing when you discover it in yourself.

So, this past weekend I decided to just have fun with it. I have often times fretted over getting too carried away with my plans for the future for the prospect of it being a jinx. I think after 9 years, my jinxes are about dried up and I am going for it. The first thing I did was pull up Pinterest and typed in ‘baby holiday ideas’ and then I dreamed. I pictured what fun things we would do with our baby. What new traditions I would marry with our old ones.

Then I told my husband I wanted to go to Target. As we were finishing up our shopping, I steered him towards the baby section. This is normally a no-no for me unless I am purchasing something specific. Instead, we perused the aisles and imagined the things we would buy. I pointed out a few of my favorite items and asked the same of him. It was almost freeing to state our choices out loud. Letting the images that are usually kept locked in my visions come out to play.

I don’t particular believe in jinxes. I believe there is a plan for me, so why would I really give in to the silly notion that stating my hopes for the child I so desire, would somehow play a role in making it reality? I shouldn’t and I am stopping it now. Why can’t I voice my vacation dreams or the outfits I want my future children in? Why shouldn’t I buy something that fits our life perfectly just because I don’t know the future. What if it is no longer available when I need it? Why can’t I?

I finally decided that I can and this weekend, I did.


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