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I Resolve to Know More and Be More Open

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a blog by Madison Rae, April 24, 2014

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. After 10 years of struggling, there is still so much that I wish I had known going into this battle. I had no idea the sheer number of women (and couples) that have dealt with this burden. It was never really talked about when we started. I knew of a few couples that had suffered from miscarriages and such, but I was unaware just how many go through the infertility journey before becoming parents.

I wish I had talked about it sooner than I did. I shared with the people in my circle, but was somewhat embarrassed by my inability to become pregnant. It also didn't help that lots of people would tell me “not to stress, we had all the time in the world.” Probably my least favorite line people give when they are well intending. It sucks.

I struggled with depression and other illnesses along the way and I wish I had taken more time to get myself in a better place mentally. After taking a few years off to get myself better, I think some of the pressure I put on myself could have been alleviated if I had been more prepared for how grueling this can be. If you are not at your best, this can defeat you quicker than you know. It is hard enough when you don't struggle with mental illness.

I also wish that I had been in better shape before I began trying. Being healthy as a whole is better for you mentally and even in conceiving. I have once again gained back some of the weight I worked so hard to lose. I plan to work really hard leading up to and after my surgery next month to be in the best health and weight I can before we begin trying again. I am resolving to be the best version of myself that I can on this last and final leg of trying.

Infertility means so many different things to different people. I have realized that things that don’t bother me, hurt others in this circumstance and vice verse. I am learning more and more as I go and this process has been made easier by opening up. That is what has worked for me and I am remiss I didn't do it sooner. I am resolving to know as much as I can going forward and more than anything just being open to any questions that anyone has and sharing our story in the hopes that a woman just like I was ten years ago...has a sounding board when I really didn't.


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