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He Wanted to Wait and Now We're Infertile

frustrated woman

a blog by Marc Sedaka, February 11, 2014

My husband insisted we wait five years before having children and now we’re having fertility issues. Is it wrong for me to feel like he’s to blame?

When it comes to infertility, there are more than enough things you can blame. Time. Finances. Doctors. God. So do you honestly need to add your husband to that already long list? “If you had only let us try sooner.” “If you had only worn boxers instead of briefs.” “If you had only read those dozens of books a bought you on the subject.” Forget it. Put it out of your mind. Don’t even think about it. In order for you, and your marriage, to survive this in tact, you have to share the triumphs as well as the tragedies, and the praise as well as the blame. After all, you’d expect (and deserve) no less consideration from him.

Want to know how he really feels about infertility? Visit the Husbands Discussing Infertility forum on


Comments (2)

My husband has told "everyone" he works with that we are trying to have a baby. He's a surgeon and I guess while in the OR conversation has sparked about our current baby issues and trying to conceive. I am heartbroken! He gave he a had written letter from his nurses daughter who wrote "my mommy talks about you and said you and your wife are trying to have a baby, I made a pink and blue bracelet for the baby to be". Cute right? Sure but i don't know these people! This is a struggle I wanted too keep private for the time being. I can't believe he would talk our private business, i feel disrespected. He laughed at me on resPonse to indicate I was crazy to been insulted. Please please feedback. ..

I would love to tell you I never did the same thing, but I can't. I was also guilty of "over-sharing" our fertility struggles at first, because that was my way of dealing with it. I wanted to tell people because I wanted the sympathy, and the advice, and yes, the equivalent of the cute little pink and blue bracelets that showed people cared. I can only imagine being in your husband's position when he handed you those bracelets and, instead of having you be touched by the gesture, saw you get insulted... and even worse, mad at him for giving them to you. Now please don't think I'm in any way suggesting your husband was *right*. I merely want you to see it as he might have seen it because I remember all too well being on that side of the argument. However, the turning point for me -- and I hope some day soon for your husband as well -- was to realize that it didn't matter whether I agreed with my wife's position or not. All that mattered was that I respected her position and did what I could to abide by it. Was your husband trying to be malicious when he shared this information? I doubt it. Did he feel he was disrespecting you or making light of the situation? I doubt that as well. But would he have been better served to have put himself in your shoes in the same way I'm asking you to put yourself in his? By all means! My suggestion to you, assuming you haven't already done so, would be to explain to him WHY you don't want the information shared -- even if the reasons aren't entirely rational. In fact, you might be well served to tell him it's not all rational, but that doesn't make it any less real for you! Finally, it might not hurt to strike some sort of compromise on the issue (for example, he's at liberty to discuss it with best friend, but not his coworkers.) Remember this is his infertility too, and, in the end, he deserves the same consideration that you do. I hope that was helpful and wish you the best on your journey.

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