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a blog by Maya Moskin, April 9, 2014
The idea of letting go is a lot easier said than done. As Noah and I start to gear up for our embryo adoption this summer, I find myself feeling like I need to…let go. But I’m not sure of what? Do I need to let go of all that has happened over the past four years that has led us to this point, where the best option we have is to adopt a donated embryo? Do I need to try and let go of being attached to the outcome that it works? Impossible. As a psychotherapist and yoga teacher, the idea of non-attachment and letting go comes up often. I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly it means in relation to infertility.
For many of us who are dealing with infertility on a daily basis, it can be very hard to let go. We are often forced to let go of a lot of things we don’t want to let go of. For most of us, we have to let go of making a baby the old fashioned way. For many of us we have to let go of our genetics. For some of us we have to let go of the experience of carrying our child. We are constantly confronted with issues relating to letting go. For these types of things, I just try to stay focused on the end goal, a healthy child. So if that means my genetics won’t get to contribute to that goal, then that’s my reality. I have to grieve my loss and process my sadness and remind myself there are many ways families are made.
When it comes to letting go of the outcome of the next procedure, that’s really difficult. We all want the next thing we do to FINALLY work! That’s natural, that’s human. I try to remind myself that what I cling to, what I hold on to for dear life, does not impact what is actually going to happen. This next procedure is either going to work, or it’s not. That’s the bitter truth. If I can be open to the process and accepting of my journey, then maybe I can remind myself that I will be a mother one day. I will. And if I can remember that always, then maybe I can loosen the death grip a little.
I think the most important thing to try and let go of is the past trauma. Anyone who has been living with infertility for a while has some baggage. Many people have multiple losses and devastating results of infertility treatments. We all have our story, and more often than not it is a story of failure, of feeling broken, and of heartbreak. While it’s important to honor our past, it’s also important to rewrite our narrative. It’s important to feed a loving voice that doesn’t blame ourselves or our bodies for what has happened. It’s important to let some of this stuff go so it doesn’t drag us down, clearing the way for new possibilities and new beginnings ahead.