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Third Party Reproduction Isn’t Really a Party

baby 3rd party reproduction

a blog by Maya Moskin, May 15, 2014

A lot has to happen in a person’s life before third party reproduction is considered. I’d bet that very few people wake up one morning and decide they’re just going to use someone else’s eggs or sperm, or pay someone to carry their baby. Unless there are specific known medical conditions, the arrival at the decision to include outside sources of DNA usually comes after multiple treatment attempts and losses. No one chooses to endure Assisted Reproductive Technologies unless they have to, so having to let go of a piece of your own genetics in order to make a baby can often come as another blow.

It took my husband and I some time to get used to the idea of moving on to donor eggs. I was sad to not be making a baby with my husband the old fashioned way, and sadder that I couldn’t use my own eggs to make our baby the scientific way, but I got over it. I constantly reminded myself that the goal is to have a family, and that in the end a genetic link won’t make or break that. I vividly remember the feeling when the eggs were retrieved from the donor (my sister) and mixed with my husband’s swimmers. The embryos created were mine. Ours. DNA meant nothing, and I knew that if any of them took, that baby would be 100% ours.

Sure, we would have to talk about how that child came to be, but there would be no question as to who the parents were. Noah and I were already the parents to those microscopic embryos, so when none of them took, we mourned the way only parents could.

Now that we are preparing for an embryo adoption, I find myself thinking about genetics again. I’m going to attempt to carry and birth our adopted child. A child that will have no genetic link to either one of us, and all I can think about is how little that matters now. All we want is for this next attempt to work. I try to focus on the gift that is the possibility of anonymous people donating pieces of themselves for what could potentially be our child. And I try to feel grateful that I live in a country where that is legal.

Over the last few years of struggling with infertility, I’ve finally gotten to the understanding that it truly is love, not hair color or common personality quirks or anything genetic, that makes a family.

Comments (2)

You blog covered all the emotions/disappointments we've experienced, but I agree that having a family is the goal, not genetics.

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