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Finding Your Voice in the World of A.R.T

a blog by Maya Moskin, July 16, 2014

It’s easy to get a little lost when you first start down the path of Assisted Reproductive Technology. The rules are different in this world. The language is different. And basic common sense feels different. Because uncertainty is the only certainty, it’s easy to get swept up by the runaway train that leads you to a moment where you’re standing in the middle of a sea of syringes and web pages of egg donors going, “Wait! How did I get here?”

Sometimes you get here because that is what you and your partner have decided is the best place for you both to be. I always say there is no such thing as a right decision when it comes to this stuff, only a right now decision. But that right now decision must be made by you and your partner, perhaps with the help of a trusted doctor and family or friends. But decisions can’t be made out of fear or desperation or because you happened to be nodding your head when your doctor said the words egg donation.

But how do you make good decisions when there is so much fear and unknown with infertility? How can you trust your gut when it’s been compromised by hormones shot straight into it? How can you find your voice again, when so much of what has already happened has left you completely speechless?

What I’ve found—that often happens, is that when something works for one person, they start to advocate hardcore for that thing. It comes from a place of love and wanting to help a fellow person struggling with infertility. If someone did seven rounds of IVF and then was successful on the first round with donor eggs, that’s what they are going to root for. If someone ended up adopting and can’t imagine any other child but the one they’re holding in their arms, they are going to push for adoption. If your doctor has had good success with surrogacy for someone with a similar situation to yours, that’s what he will recommend. As they should! That is all totally normal. They have had success and learned that in the end, all that matters is being a parent and holding your baby, however that baby gets to you.

What is incredible these days is that there are multiple ways to build a family. Reproductive science and technology is truly amazing! I had a frozen embryo transfer of an adopted embryo last Friday, that if it works, will allow me to give birth to our adopted child. It doesn’t get more amazing than that, in my humble opinion! But what is so important to remember is that what may be right for one person may not be right for you, and what may work for one person, may not work for you. We are each so unique and individual, and that’s a good thing. The choices we each make in the world of infertility are very personal. Finding our voice, taking a step back, listening to our gut, processing our options with our partners, and moving forward in the way that best fits for us—in this moment, is crucial part of being successful and sane on your journey to parenthood.

Editor's note: Maya's blog, Don't Count Your Eggs, has been nominated for Resolve's Hope Award for best blog. Be sure to check it out! (link in bio)

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