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Living with Uncertainty

a blog by Maya Moskin, August 13, 2014

We are all well aware that nothing in life is certain, but most of us have found a way to create order and some predictability. We have jobs and routines and schedules that help us wake up in the morning with a decent sense of how the day is going to play out. But all of this dramatically changes once you enter the world of infertility.

The only thing certain about infertility is that there will be uncertainty. And learning how to get… "comfortable" isn’t the right word…learning how to become okay with that uncertainty will help stabilize you during an emotional tornado.

The last few years of my life have been filled with emotional tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunami’s and thunder storms. More often than not I’ve found myself metaphorically hanging on to a tree, trying to find my feet while the storm passes. I’ve started treatments and followed doctors orders only to be told things weren’t going to go according to plan. I’ve made compromises and chosen the best possible option for us at a given point in time and followed the road to the very end, only to come up short. The overwhelming sense of devastation when something doesn’t go well is hard to cope with. But what has helped me is reminding myself that I’m doing the best I can at every moment, and that I don’t know what’s going to happen.

The quest for a baby is a hard one. And really, lot of what happens is about luck. Sometimes things work, and sometimes they don’t, and this is the chance we take because the reward on the other end is so tremendous.

I’m learning that the uncertainty of infertility doesn’t stop once you’re pregnant. I, for the first time ever, am a little pregnant with the adopted embryo we transferred last month. And let me tell you, nothing has felt as uncertain as this. I had low but rising betas, a slightly odd shaped gestational sac, and now I have a huge subchorionic hematoma that is threatening the embryo, and there’s not a thing I can do about it. To finally get to this point where we actually heard a heartbeat and to know that a massive blood clot that has randomly formed in my uterus could take it away feels ridiculously unfair. But my years battling infertility have somewhat prepared me for a situation like this. There’s nothing I can do but rest and hydrate and hope for the best. Thinking about the past and what might have happened to cause this, or wondering what may happen in the future gets me nowhere but Crazy-ville.

So I have no choice but to sit and drink liquids and be patient. I know I’ve done everything I can and that this will either work or it wont, and that’s part of my journey. Hopefully my journey through the choppy waters of infertility have come to an end so that my even choppier journey through pregnancy and hopefully parenthood can begin. But I don’t know yet. The situation is still uncertain.

Comments (1)

Maya - I am so sorry to learn that your embryo is in jeopardy. You're right that the worrying doesn't end once we get out BFP. In some ways. it's just beginning. My heart goes out to you as I follow your journey.

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