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A blog by Ryanne, January 20, 2015

I stood in my bathroom around Thanksgiving three years ago and tossed my pack of birth control in the trash. My husband and I had decided that we were ready to start our family.

Little did we know that three years later we would still be waiting. I've actually been pregnant twice, and miscarried both. We've now moved on to medications, ultrasounds, injections and IUI from just charting and trying on our own. If you had asked us where we thought we would be in three years when we started, we would have probably told you that we would have a toddler and be pregnant or trying for our second. Infertility wasn't even on our radar.

In the last few years, we've watched our friends and family have babies, move on two baby number two (or three), and some have even completed their families. All before we even got started. We've had experiences where we've gone somewhere and felt like we didn't fit in at all because we were the only ones without kids. We've felt like we were obviously on the outside looking in. I've had people tell me that we're trying too hard, or that we should do XYZ instead of ABC. Most of the time, it isn't like that. We've been blessed with pretty understanding and supportive friends and family. But every once in awhile, the elephant stands right in the middle of the room and will. not. move.

It's those times that make infertility really hard. It's those situations that drive me to journal for hours or go to sleep with tears in my eyes, or even "unfollow" someone on Facebook so I don't have to see the pregnancy updates. It's those times that have taught me that it's okay to be upset and to honor those feelings. It's okay to hide Facebook updates, because my sanity and emotional stability are more important to me than Facebook. I've even learned that my acting classes in college haven't gone to waste in those moments when I need to keep it together and I just can't.

Those times have shown me some amazing things about myself. In this, I've seen my strength and my courage. I've had to learn to accept that I can't control everything and that sometimes failure just happens. And I'm learning to have faith and trust. That's a work in progress, I'll admit.

I'm an optimist--I like to believe that things really do happen for a reason, or at least that there's always a silver lining. Something good coming from something bad. So I like to think that this is just one more experience shaping me into the person I'm supposed to be. Oddly enough, I'm okay with that. Do I want to move on from this? YES! A thousand times, yes. If I had the choice, this month would be successful and I would have a baby in nine months. Does that mean that I'm going to accept it graciously if this month isn't successful? Honestly? Not at first, because no matter how many times I'm at that point it will never be easy. But I'll get there. And someday, I'll be on the other side of this--whatever that looks like.

Comments (10)

I could have written these exact thoughts many times. Even after you reach the other side those comments still make your way to you it just stings because not even then do they back off!

You are such a lovely inspiring woman Ryanne and I count myself blessed to call you friend. Praying for your family and sending warm wishes your way. <3

I feel like I could have written your second to last paragraph. You have such strength and grace through all this. I am praying your baby finds you soon.

"because my sanity and emotional stability are more important to me.." Yes to this sentiment! Have you heard the Dave Matthews band song "funny the way it is" ? It's one of my favorites and I think of it often in the context of the irony of our everyday lives. For some reason this post made me think of it. Thanks for letting me follow in your journey.

What beautiful honesty. We stand by you through this heart-wrenching journey, my dear friend. You ARE so brave and strong! And in those moments when you feel weak and hopeless, I pray God will carry you through and that you will know His comfort and peace. Love you forever!

Love you too!! It means so much to have so much support and encouragement from you and other friends and family. I am so blessed in that way!

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