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Time for Some March Madness (Infertility Style)

March Madness - Infertility Style.jpg

a blog by Alec, March 9, 2011

FertilityAuthority and I are going to celebrate March Madness with an infertile spin. March Infertility Madness will ask for your most hilarious (and, yes, humiliating) stories about infertility. We'll create a bracket, and your polling will decide the eventual winner. Post your stories in the comments section below.

In the spirit of infertility hilarity, I present my own story. Ummm ... In truth, it's one of many.

JK and I were treated at the Fertility Centers of Illinois by Dr. Sipe. When it was finally time for us to make an attempt at sex to get pregnant, I received a call from Dr. Sipe's nurse. She had instructions about the fertility medication, blah, blah, blah and then about the sex schedule.

"You'll want to have intercourse every day for the next four days."

Not every other day, thought I?

Yep. Every day.

All right. No problem! I'm a perv with an active libido. Bring it on!

  • Day One: Easy! It was just like having sex with my wife! Umm, ok. Maybe it was sex with my wife.
  • Day Two: Still easy enough. No need to be concerned. Right?
  • Day Three: Did this ever seem easy? My naughty bit isn't feeling the love any more. And then there's the performance anxiety issues. Success on day three is truly hard won.
  • Day Four: Is that grinding sound my gears? We try every trick in the book (Kama Sutra, of course!). My mind is in the wrong place though. And my naughty bit? Starting to remind us of a threatened turtle.

Yes my beloved readers, it's true. My score card on Day Four? A DNP (Did Not Play) Unable to Perform. Ouch.

A funny thing happens when sex happens as a result of doctors orders. It turns from an act of love into a job.

I am not a porn star, nor did I ever wish to be. I don't know how those guys do it! Performance on demand is clearly not my thing.

So you guys that find sex on demand to be an unwelcome mandate, believe me when I say you are not alone. This is much less easy than it seems! Who ever believed that sex could be de-romanticized quite this much!?!?

And for you fellows that are performing well throughout the cycle, congratulations. I hope a stray emission hits you in the left eye and fuses it shut.

A short while later, I went to my massage therapist for pain in my upper leg? Groin? Hip? I wasn't really certain.

Like any good practitioner, he asked what I had been doing lately — what could be causing stress, etc. In the end, I asked what he thought about the injury. Did he know what caused it? His answer:

Husbandly duties.

Comments (2)

This is so funny! I get so wrapped up in myself sometimes I forget about my husband's experience of all of this....thanks for the reminder!

this is hysterical, i am forwarding this to my husband right now. Thanks for your honesty and for adding a little humor to my dady !!!

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