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Inspired by PETA, Here's More Inappropriate Celebrations
a blog by Alec, April 28, 2011
Dennis Miller used to call Dan Quayle his "Rosetta Stone." Sometimes, an artist need a muse. Now I'm not about to say that PETA is a sort of Calliope or Erato (muses for the written word), but it is a bit of a Dan Quayle.
Thus, with the help of the muse, I give you my thoughts on: INAPPROPRIATE CELEBRATIONS!
- To celebrate Donald Trump's presidential run, the person who writes in with the best reason that the world should bow to "The Donald" wins a free hair transplant.
- To celebrate the cancellation of "Perfect Couples" after two episodes, we award an Emmy to the person who can write the best third episode.
- To celebrate the season and likely career-ending injury to Rockets star Yao Ming, we invite you to send videos of your funniest thrills, spills and pratfalls! The winner will eat free at Panda Express, once each week, for an entire year!
- To celebrate the bankruptcy and closure of Blockbuster, we invite you to shoot your own videos of jobless people. The winner gets a free year's subscription to Netflix!
- To celebrate the Haitian earthquake, we invite you to send your best recipes for Jambalaya! The taste test winner will win a real live Haitian refugee!
So PETA, the next time you think that an occasion is worth celebrating, think again. And may we suggest asking yourselves a few questions, by way of a litmus test?
- Are we using the term "celebrate" appropriately? For example, you celebrate a birthday or a victory. You do not celebrate at hospitals and funerals.
- Is our prize appropriate? We would suggest that, if the prize includes cutting someone open, then this would be a highly inappropriate prize. May we suggest instead — a la Wheel of Fortune — cash or trips, or for Pete's sake even the porcelain dog?
- Are we being careful not to sound like supervillians? Announcing to the world that the human race is overcrowding the planet and should stop making babies is about one step away from a Blofeld plot. Does anyone remember James Bond's The Spy Who Loved Me and the guy who wanted to kill every surface dweller?
- Are we acting with sensitivity? See above. And try to remember that Wannabe parents may just appreciate your understanding, if you have any.
- Are we being careful not to alienate anyone? PETA really depends upon the celebrities who are at the helm of their campaigns. These same celebrities need fertility treatments. Or their friends do. I think we're all going to be cheering while the continuing fallout affects PETA. It certainly is fun watching these unapologetic jerks squirm, isn't it?
Yo, PETA! Did you answer "no" to any of these questions...