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'Jeez, It Took You Long Enough'

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a blog by Alec, May 12, 2011

Happy Mothers Day to all of the Wannabe Moms who recently made it to the other side. Unfortunately, this story is of a first Mothers Day; wrecked by one, well-placed, insensitive comment.

It's not unusual to find impatient Wannabe Moms and Dads, but when that impatience spreads to the rest of the family, only bad things can happen.

JK is friends with a new mom who was infertile for a while and had a couple of miscarriages along the way. However, she finally did make it to the other side. A daughter arrived in March.

The mother-in-law called on Sunday to wish her a happy Mothers Day, and said something to the effect of, "Took you long enough!"

Said mommy went silent and handed the receiver to her husband. And then walked away.

I can relate to her anger. Infertility does not resolve itself on demand.

Here in the infertility blogosphere, I've read horror stories. Couples in decade-long ordeals, still unresolved. By comparison, our journey appears easy. Still, the pain of every Wannabe Mom and Dad is real.

And, you, mother-in-law, are you impatient? Think of the couples that want to be a family. Think of fertile years slipping away. Think of hope slipping away.

Or were you judging her? Finding her faulty along with her reproduction system? Was that some sort of, "a better daughter-in-law would have provided me with many grandchildren by now" type of comment?

Or maybe you intended to joke about the long ordeal she went through. Make light of it. That sort of thing.

It only works if your daughter-in-law is in on the joke. Many new mommies that were infertile are not yet ready to talk about their experience, much less joke about it.

A first Mothers Day for an infertile woman is a wondrous thing. Just when you've looked childlessness right in the face, fortune grants you a child. I know, just having celebrated our first with JK on Sunday.

But if my mother or anyone had said something to wreck it, I would have been on the rampage.

We all need a little joy to balance the pain of infertility. There could hardly be a worse time to revisit that pain than that first wonderful Sunday.

Wannabe Dads and recent dads: it's your job to defend your wife. Whether it be your mother, your best friend or your whole damn family, she should not have to hear such things unopposed.

Straighten them out! It's easy for fertile folk to be insensitive because the process was so easy for them. So many of them are convinced that infertility is a question of effort! Or nutrition! Or x-number of controllable characteristics.

Teach them otherwise.

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