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Remembering the Barely Started


a blog by Alec, June 2, 2011

First, a brief announcement:

I am honored to be invited to the Father's Day Twitterview for RESOLVE with Executive Director Barbara Collura on Friday, June 17, at 2 p.m. EDT. The Twitterview will broach a number of topics and will resonate with Wannabe Dads and Moms alike. Questions and comments are welcomed. Please do join us, and spread the word if you can!

You can follow the hash-tag #tvFD (representing Twitterview for Father’s Day) at this link. Also, RESOLVE will post the full transcript on later that day when the Twitterview is over. Also, if you go to the page you can watch the dialogue between me and RESOLVE that way, as RESOLVE will re-tweet the discussion.


It is a story yet to be told on "I Want to be a Daddy," how very close we came to the nightmare known as stillbirth. I will only say that this episode will remain in the back of our minds forever. It's very hard to imagine life without our son. I'm glad we don't have to.

Other couples are not so lucky. Thus, in honor of Memorial Day, I would like to remember the little ones who made it into this world and left it far too soon.

This is a different type of infertility from the kind we have discussed to this point. I've said before that the buzzer beaters are the most painful losses. What of the losses that occur once the game has already been seemingly won?

Some will say that these parents have had precious time with their young ones and thus have something they can truly appreciate — something a miscarriage or inability to conceive will never allow. They may say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I say bollocks.

We become more attached to our children every passing day. Before long, you begin to feel as if a piece of your own soul is housed in that little body. If it is extinguished, you will never get it back.

I've known other couples who have experienced this type of loss. There is no consolation. Peace, if it is to be found, is remote.

There is no consolation for the parents who knew their babies were living on borrowed time from birth. One brave blogger describes a one-year journey with a child who experienced pain every day and never had a chance. I've read of children with Turner's Syndrome who made it into the world only to leave it soon after.

Turner's usually results in miscarriage, as it did with us. Sometimes it does not. Though some may disagree, I feel it was less cruel to take our second baby from us in the first trimester so that we could move on. I now know there IS happiness to be found after miscarriage, if you can somehow make it to the other side.

So please, join me in remembering the little ones who left us too soon. If any of you have stories to tell that will help us remember them, send those stories to

Your story may be different from the usual infertility story, but your pain is universal. We are all in the same boat.

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