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Infertile Couples: Stronger or No Longer?

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a blog by Alec, June 16, 2011

For one final time, I invite everyone to the Father's Day Twitterview this coming Friday, June 17, at 2 p.m. EDT. Barbara Collura, Executive Director of RESOLVE, will be interviewing me to honor all of the Wannabe Dads. Please feel free to comment or question. Hash tag #tvFD.

Note: You can follow the hash-tag #tvFD (representing Twitterview for Father’s Day) at this link.


Again, my beloved JK helped played the muse. We found ourselves discussing the stress of infertility. It brought us closer together, we both agree. Many couples say the same thing.

Other couples fall apart under the stress.

You may ask why. Why do some couples come out of infertility stronger, tighter than ever? Why do others fail?

I think it's up to the Wannabe Dad.

In the couples that I've observed or spoken to, there seems to be a throughline between both extremes. In the couples that hold together, the Wannabe Dad signs on for the infertility struggle 100 percent. When he doesn't ... problems ensue.

You see, Wannabe Dads, your wives are going through hell. The poking, prodding and cutting pale in comparison to the psychological rigors. If you make them feel alone on this journey, you should not be surprised if they wish to journey alone through life as well.

JK raised a related point, talking about how couples need to be on the same page. Would you have an answer if asked, "Why is it so important to you to have a biological child?" Do you know your spouse's answer?

I figure that it all goes toward the same place. The answer to the above is less important than the level of commitment. And, if you fade into the background once the journey becomes difficult, that speaks to your commitment too.

Wannabe Moms and Dads, you have the right to take a pass on fertility treatments. You can choose adoption or you can choose to live childfree. But you must make that choice together.

If you do decide to fight for a biological child, prepare yourself Wannabe Dads. This road is painful, humiliating, and seemingly endless. Once you begin, you must stay the course. Don't disappoint your wife by giving up when she needs you most.

The hammer and forge temper steel and strengthen it, but sometimes imperfect steel breaks under the force of the hammer. By the same token, a couple's love and commitment for one another often grow in the forge of infertility.

And sometimes, the blow from the hammer of infertility breaks a tenuous bond.

Comments (1)

Great blog - thank you.

My immediate response to the question 'what is the difference between couples who make it and those that don't" is communication, but of course, you can talk all you want and get nowhere if you're not both aiming for the same thing. :)

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