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Enlighten Me with Sex, Please
a blog by Tami Quinn, Pulling Down the Moon, September 24, 2010
We’re all girlfriends, right? So I was thinking today in the shower (otherwise known as my think tank) about how yogis and other wise sages are always talking about being in the moment.
Eckhart Tolle found great success with his book, The Power of Now, which introduced us many years ago to the idea that true enlightenment exists within this very moment. If we could only stop regretting our actions from the past or cease worrying about the future, the present time is said to be pure bliss and a road to enlightenment.
Being in the 'X-Rated' Moment
So, this whole idea got me thinking about times when I could truly remember being in the moment. Suddenly my thoughts were starting to get X-rated. One scenario that kept popping into my mind as an “in the moment” kind of moment is having really good sex. Really bad sex or just okay sex really doesn’t do much for our enlightenment, I’m thinking, but good sex is another story.
For instance you may have a future thought during sex like, “Did I remember to shave my legs this morning,” but then in the heat of the moment that thought simply drifts off and you say, “Who cares?”
Does really good sex happen because we are simply in the mood or because we had one too many glasses of wine? Nope!
Really good sex happens because we surrender to the process and decide to be a fully active participant by expressing our wants and desires. Then, if we are lucky, that magical moment of ecstasy happens when we completely surrender our bodies and our minds to experience something amazing.
I challenge anyone to think about their "to do" list when orgasm feel imminent. You’re right there, fully present, feeling as though you are only steps away from the Promised Land.
Infertility Can Make It Hard to Be in the Moment
If you’re trying to get pregnant then, I think it’s safe to say that good sex is sometimes hard to come by. It can feel forced, timed and even downright unromantic if infertility has driven a wedge between you and your partner or created stress in your marriage.
At Pulling Down the Moon we’ve even had students who have said, “Dang, I have to have sex tonight.” Now see? That is definitely not being in the moment. Interestingly, sex and the infertility process have a lot in common beyond the obvious:
- First, you decide you’re gonna do it,
- Then you surrender to the process,
- Next you hope to climax, but sometimes you just don’t, so you feel a bit disappointed.
“I really wanted that orgasm but it just didn’t happen. No, really honey, it’s not your fault. You’ve been great. We can do it again later. I think I’m just really stressed.”
It's sort of the same things we say during the TTC process.
I’m not saying I have any sure answers on how to get enlightened or even ensure that you have really great sex. Perhaps the Tantric masters could shed some light on that question, or maybe Sting could if you ask him. I’m just saying that rather than bring all your fertility baggage to bed with you, give it up for a night. Take advantage of the opportunity at hand, let go and hope for a little magic in the moment. You may find it to be a very enlightening experience.
P.S. Okay, since you’re curious, here’s one tantric ritual you might like to try.
- Sit across from each other, in close proximity, fully dressed and stare into each other’s eyes for at least five minutes.
- Engage the sense of sight only, make no sounds, do not participate in conversation, do not touch and do not allow the eyes to wander.
- Take off one article of clothing each after five minutes and stare again into each other’s eyes.
- Proceed with another article of clothing and repeat the staring process. Continue this process until all clothing is removed.
- Next engage the sense of touch by feeling your partner. Do it without sound and with only your hands.
- Take in all the sensual parts of your partner’s body with your eyes and your hands. No talking, no kissing.
- In the next phase, begin to kiss your partner, not just on the lips but on all parts of his/her body. Take turns and explore the sense of taste and the feeling of intimacy.
- Proceed with intercourse or stop, stare back into each other’s eyes and sit quietly again across from each other, building anticipation.