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Learning to Live with Infertility

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I seem to be at a loss for words these days. My head is such a confused, jumbled mess that, were I earning frequent flyer miles on my emotions, I'd likely have two roundtrip tickets to Fiji by now.

I guess somewhere deep in the crevices of my delusional mind there still exists a happy place where Santa Claus is real, wishes made on stars really do come true, and sex (or even a magical fertility clinic’s lab) actually equals babies. It is in this place where I also harbored the unrealistic idea that by simply going to my magical clinic of choice for our final IVF I would find that ever elusive step to “closure” an easy one.

Surprise!! Foiled again by the folds of infertility.

I have spent years struggling against my infertility, fighting past every bump, gripping on tight around every twist and turn, clawing through every obstacle. I fought hard to overcome it. I fought hard and I lost.

The battles are over, the scars remain, and I am still not any closer to becoming a mother than I was nearly 4 years ago when we officially started down this path. It is only now that I find myself trying to learn to livewith my infertility.

Learning to live with my infertility comes with a completely different frame of mind. It is one that forces me into a new way of thinking about how I want to live the rest of my life. It compels me to dig deep to figure out the kind of person I want to be in the years to come, what might make me truly happy again, and what can help mend my broken heart.

The answers aren’t there yet. I’ve only begun to scratch the surface, but I’m pretty sure no external object, word, or person can help me right now. This is a new journey that exists only deep within me in places most people will never need to go in their lifetime.

My steps might be rocky for awhile, but I know this is the path that will lead me to whatever it is that my bruised soul needs. It is a journey of learning to live with my infertility and finding peace within me.

Comments (4)

Reading your post, Brenda, brought back intense memories. You've captured how I felt in the weeks following our last IVF. In that difficult and emotionally overwhelming time I wanted to be anywhere but inside my head. It will get better, I promise.

Thanks Pamela Jeanne. I know you have been there (and then some) which gives me comfort to hear you say that it will get better...........

Thank you for sharing such raw emotions, Brenda. It cannot be easy to be so honest right now.

You may be surprised to find where your new journey takes you. I'm glad you are willing to be strong, open-minded and take it . . .

My heart goes out to you . . .

Thanks, Laurie. Part of me is excited to see where our journey will go, but I think it will take some time to get there.

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