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Help Finding Your Donor

a blog by Ellen Glazer, June 11, 2013

I am having more opportunities these days to “help” people find a donor that feels right for them. I put “help” in quotes because I know that it is always the client who finds her/his/their donor. My role is only as a sounding board, someone who can help confirm what you already know or are feeling.

I love it when someone asks me to look at donor profiles with them. It is a fascinating experience especially since I am usually working with a woman who was very ambivalent about egg donation when we first met. In most instances, this is someone who begins her donor search feeling sad, angry and pretty convinced there won’t be anyone she feels good about. Initial looks at donor websites often confirm her fears. She can’t help but see some photos that look like “call girls” rather than women hoping to help bring new life into the world. Fortunately things begin to change as a woman continues her search, clicking on more websites and more profiles and seeing that there are some very appealing, delightful women offering their eggs.

This is where the process gets very interesting—and hopeful. From a narrowed field, a few donor candidates begin to emerge. Sometimes it is only one. Either way, I see my clients becoming excited. As we look together at the profiles she likes, I see this now hopeful mom-to-be shifting her perspective from one of loss and grief to one of hope. Here are some recent comments...

“She’s like me only better.”

“I always wished I was a few inches taller. She has better height genes than I do.”

“She looks nothing like me but I love what she wrote about her family.”

“I love why she is doing this. She’s a nurse who works with infertile people. This makes me feel that she really understands what I am going through.”

“I love her smile.”

If you are setting out to find a donor, don’t expect it be seamless. Not everyone finds a donor that they like a lot right away. Some people spend many hours over several weeks looking at websites. Some longer. Then there can be disappointment...the donor is no longer available or she “fails” her genetic or psych screening or she changes her mind. There have been too many times when someone has searched for the “right” donor, found her and then had to return to the search. The good news is that another “ideal” donor inevitably surfaces and with her arrival, often the exclamation, “I’m glad it didn’t work with the first donor--I like her much better.”


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