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a blog by Fran Meadows, January 21, 2013
January 22, 2006 brings back many raw memories of the loss of my angel baby. The words of my doctor, “There is no heartbeat, I’m sorry you lost the baby." These words haunt me inside. Seven years ago and it’s still deep within my mind holding a heavy heart. This year with the fertility event I have been planning I thought it would keep my mind off things and the days would pass by quickly but instead it is hitting me head on.
This month alone I’ve heard about two other angels lost; taken from their parents way too soon. My angel was taken from me without even knowing her or seeing her. She was growing inside of me and lost in the womb. The other children recently taken from their families...I cannot stop thinking about it. They knew their family, loved them, and shared special memories with them. The events of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting also leaves me thinking about the innocence lost and why? How my heart breaks for all of these families.
The loss of a child is accepting the unacceptable, whether it is a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, infant loss, or loss of a child at any age. It is something no parent should have to endure. I still wonder to myself, no matter what God you believe in, why would He take the innocent children that had so much ahead of them? It is still something I think about after all the time that passed. There is no answer, no knowing of when death will happen, no warning, it just happens and leaves us as parents with a broken heart. We heal at our own pace, in our own way to be able to someday acknowledge our loss and move forward. We move forward with life without forgetting about the sweet memories that your angel left with you.
Every year I will still wonder: "Why she was taken away from me?" The only thing that keeps me from asking that question all the time is being blessed with another beautiful miracle after my loss. I am truly grateful to have my son after all of the struggles with infertility and a late pregnancy loss. I can’t help but think he would not be here today if things had worked out differently. Some parents have other children to be able to feel this way and for others, it might have been their only child lost. We will grieve and always feel the pain, but healing is all about remembering them through the beautiful memories, letting your emotions out and not asking the question: "Why?" Always know they are with you, whether it is a vision of a butterfly or the sun shining that makes you think more about them, know that you will meet again someday.
Today, I hold my son tight as I reflect on the thoughts of my lost angel knowing that I have a miracle with an angel watching over us.