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The X-Ray Vision of an Infertile
a blog by Melinda Davis, May 23, 2011
When you’re trying to conceive you tend to develop what I consider to be X-ray vision. Pregnant women appear all around you; you notice the smallest details about a person’s life, and you find things out about your body you never knew were happening. It’s not anything you plan, but you are walking around with an enhanced vision for all things baby that you simply can’t discard.
At first I started to see changes in my body that I hadn’t remembered being there. Some were physical to the eye, while others I could tell from inside. As I began taking fertility medications, my senses seemed to heighten. I began learning about every twinge, fluid, hair and body part — all while my emotions ran wild.
In the real world around me I began to count how many pregnant women I passed on the street or in a store. It wasn’t anything I thought about doing, but it came as natural as breathing. Many times I wouldn’t notice what I was doing until I passed number five or six. It was as if I had a radar detector that went off after reaching a certain number.
I began noticing my friends — those who once said it would be a couple of years before they were going to start trying — all of a sudden becoming pregnant all around me. It wasn’t that they had pushed their plan up, but instead mine was delayed. I couldn’t help but stare at their hand over their belly as if it was keeping their belly intact, how they would take a deep breath when their baby moved, or how they were feeling a little sick. I noticed how they always had snacks around, and all they could talk about was their baby. And with all of this happening, I couldn’t help but feel like my new vision was turning me invisible.
I began to feel like an outsider, a freak, and as if I weren’t a real woman. I mean, I couldn’t perform the single task even some 13-year-old girls were performing, which showed I could never measure up. I felt that my new vision had caused my friends to drift away, while I continued to stand still. I would try to be open or maintain the friendship, but they didn’t seem to notice.
Through my battle with infertility I received my X-ray vision, but after I started looking outside the box I found an even better vision for Him. I’ve learned to look for how I might turn the bad into good when I simply just don’t understand. I may not always see what’s happening, or how to make it happen, but with time, prayer and an open mind, God will reveal His plan.
I can’t help but think that this X-ray vision is only a small glance at how God sees the world. He sees all of these people He loves, and just longs to be loved in return. His desire is not for us to feel less of a person, but instead to find our strength through Him. He wants to reveal how strong we can be and to make us more like Him.