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Confessions of a Wannabe Mom
a blog by Melinda Davis, July 27, 2011
To read more of Melinda Davis' Fresh Conceptions blogs, CLICK HERE.
I have wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. I played with dolls, Barbies, babysat, volunteered for nursery duty, taught Sunday School and if ever there was a baby around, that is where you could find me. When I got married, I chose a man I knew would be a good father and always imagined which of his features and characteristics our children would display as their own.
When we discovered we would need to go through fertility treatments, we followed the fertility doctor’s suggestions and did everything we could possibly do. I never imagined getting pregnant would include some of the things I did, but if it meant carrying a child inside me, I didn’t care what it took to make that happen. For me, going through fertility treatments allowed me to feel like I had control over the situation, and I fixated myself on a positive outcome. I figured if my friends could get pregnant without even trying, then surely I could get pregnant by having a fertility doctor line things up perfectly. I allowed my desire to become a mom to consume my life and lost myself along the way. I became bitter, angry, frustrated and depleted as each month passed with yet another negative pregnancy test.
After years of trying to get pregnant, I learned it would never happen when my body stopped responding to the fertility drugs. It was devastating, and I really couldn’t understand why this was happening to me.
But looking back now, two years after learning I would never conceive, I can see how I had allowed something so good and beautiful to become my idol. I allowed Satan to use the wonderful and Godly desire to become a mom as a stumbling block in my life and as a way of blinding me to how God was actually working behind the scenes. I lost sight of my priorities and allowed my desire to become a mom to overpower my desire to trust in God’s plan.
When I finally got to the breaking point, I asked God to replace my desire so that it may reflect His desire for my life. I released it all to Him and for the first time was willing to accept His plan even if it meant never becoming a mom. It was hard, scary and nearly impossible to do, but once I did I finally felt the peace I had been longing for over the years. It was like God opened my eyes and revealed that He had been there all along, and as much as I was fighting to get pregnant, He was fighting for me. I can see how He was using all of the trials along the way to break me, mold me and provide me with the experience I needed to find peace as He closed the door to pregnancy and opened my heart to something more. He has allowed me to use my pain and experience to reach others going through similar life struggles, and I have seen firsthand how He really can work all things together for His glory.
So even though I don’t know if I’ll ever be called Mom by my child, I know that I will never let anything take the place of God again. For He has a plan, and it’s not for me to understand, but it’s for me to trust as He leads me along life’s road.