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Upon Finding Out We're Infertile: As He Sees It
a blog by Genna Banafato, June 25, 2013
He never saw himself as a father. Having children wasn't something he planned. But he wanted a future with me (sucker) and I wanted children, so his plans changed. Occasionally, I wonder if he went through all of this because he wanted me to be happy or because it was something he realized he wanted. I can't argue with the results, but sometimes I wonder how he got there.
The nurse called me with the results from the first semen analysis (s/a) and left me to call him at work and tell him what it said. Thanks lady. I got stuck on the why, but he was already one step ahead of me .
"What do we have to do to fix it?"
The why didn't matter. So he subjected himself to more s/a's and ultrasounds to see if we could "fix it".
"Upon finding out we were infertile" quickly turned into "upon finding out we had to do IVF". You need a certain number of sperm to qualify for IUI and we didn't qualify. After a few hiccups with insurance and meds, we cycled. We failed. It was a lot slower and more drawn out than that. I wasn't pregnant. The world stopped.
"That was the most frustrating moment in the whole process. It took so long to get there. Then the phone rings and it's over and you have to wait and start it all over again."
No matter how much we had learned and prepared, even though we KNEW that IVF wasn't a guarantee, we weren't prepared for it to fail. I sunk into a deep depression that lasted months. And we waited for our additional fertility test results to come back.
And come back they did.
"All the millions of things wrong with Genna. She was so depressed and hearing the RE say donor eggs made me think, 'Hey, does anyone else want to kick us while we're down? This can't be it, they're just some numbers on a piece of paper, there has to be a way to make this happen." Coming from the IT world, it's not often the answer is just no, there is always a "work-around", right? "
Hey - at least it wasn't just him anymore. But now we had to talk about how far we were willing to take this.
"Making that decision was not something I wanted to do. The procrastinator in me came out. Let's wait and see what happens and think about that later. (That was apparently the wrong answer, by the way.)"
And here we go again…
"Starting that cycle with a new protocol, our last chance with her eggs, was stressful but you try to stay positive for her, at least on the facade. You know, you have to reserve that, 'See, I told you it was going to work' for later."
And then, at the ultrasound, two embryonic sacs - but only one heartbeat.
"See above about kicking when down. But we still have one. That one is going to be ok right… RIGHT? That one is ours!"
Fortunately, that one was as stubborn as both of us put together.