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How Intended Parents Feel about Disclosure


a blog by Claudia Pascale, Ph.D., IRMS Reproductive Medicine at Saint Barnabas, August 26, 2011

To read more of the IRMS Are You Trying to Conceive? blogs, CLICK HERE.

Disclosure is a funny thing. It’s the first time parents have to decide what’s in the best interest of their kids.

The problem is twofold:

  1. It is very hard for a potential parent to wrap their brain around the disclosure issue because, typically, the parent must start thinking about the issue before the child is actually conceived. When raising a family created via egg donation or sperm donation, disclosure is the primary issue, but it is hard to devise a strategy when you haven’t even conceived yet and haven't met your child.

    I can’t tell you how many times I have discussed this with patients who experience pain in even considering plans for a child they may never have. If only we could guarantee the intended parents would be able to have the disclosure discussion at sometime in their lives with their children, they would be happy to endure anything. However, as mental health professionals, we can not make these guarantees, but we still ask intended parents to entertain these thoughts and consider making these decisions.

  2. The second issue is that an intended parent has to make a decision about disclosure that — while it feels like what might be in the best interest of their “hoped for” child — might not feel like it is in the best interest of the parent. When considering disclosure, a parent's first consideration is the child, but they must also consider how much they want to disclose to friends, family or acquaintances.

    When investigating how people feel about disclosure to others such as friends and family, we often find a major factor is where the intended parents are in the process when asked. When intended parents were asked about disclosure to others at two times — before conception and after birth — interestingly, the same people had different responses. When asked after birth whether they would change their disclosures to others, an overwhelming number — 60 percent — reported that they wished they had NOT shared their intention to use egg or sperm donation to others.

So it seems that the birth of the child has a profound effect on this issue of disclosure. And why shouldn’t it? Birth has a profound effect on parents in general, especially first time parents, so it would naturally have an impact on their thoughts about disclosure. As I think most of us will agree, how one feels about the issue of disclosure, will change over time depending on what stage the family is in.

Be prepared for the roller coaster!!

Claudia Pascale, Ph.D., has been the Director of Psychological and Support Services at the Institute for Reproductive Medicine and Science at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, NJ, for the past 10 years. As a psychologist and member of the treatment team at IRMS she helps patients and their families’ deal with the struggles of infertility; provides evaluations for donors and gestational carriers; and participates and oversees a myriad of educational services designed to help patients cope with the emotional, psychological and ethical dilemma’s of infertility.

Dr. Pascale received her Ph.D. in Counseling from Fordham University and her Behavioral Medicine training from Harvard Medical School's Mind/Body Institute under Dr. Herbert Benson and Dr. Ali Domar. She is trained in cognitive behavioral psychotherapy specializing in the psychological aspects of health related issues with a concentration in infertility and women’s health.

Comments (2)

Thanks for the tips. My daughter is getting to the end of this process and kinds decide on disclosure. She comes to me for guiadance, all I know is how to parent, I'm struggling with the advice to give her.

Dr. Pascale - Thank you for writing such a meaningful blog about disclosure. As a mother via egg donation, and the leader of Parents Via Egg Donation, I can see this issue from both sides. What I find common amongst a lot of parents who come to our organization for advice and suppor is fear.

Fear of rejection from their children. Fear of rejection from society, from their families. It's all fear based.

I can't tell you how many parents have said to me "I love my child so much the idea of anyone making fun of them, ridiculing them, or pointing out that they are different because of how they were conceived breaks my heart, so we just are afraid and don't want to tell our child or anyone else."

In our organization we try to avoid the word disclosure beause that word to us defines what we are doing as secret. When the reality it's not, it's just different. We share with our membership that having open and honest conversations about their child's donor conception is not only healthy, but really it's their child's right to know his or her origins. That doesn't mean you have to take an ad out in the LA Times and announcing it to the world but sharing this important information with your child is always the right thing to do.

I would love to talk to you more about how to help parents with issues surrounding having those honest conversations with their donor conceived children.

I really loved what you shared.

Thank you!

Marna Gatlin
Parents Via Egg Donation
"Changing the world one baby at a time"

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