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What Do You Mean: "Sex Is Supposed to Be Fun?"
a blog by Jay Pal, March 4, 2011
After last week’s Pity Party (that lasted way longer than it probably should have), I’m trying to refocus. I’m back on my diet, I’m catching up on “non-trying-to-conceive activities,” and I’m, of course, meeting with my fertility doctor to go over our next option (short of stealing a baby from Octomom).
Another thing I’m desperately trying to do is get back to having a normal sex life. And yes, I’m trying to do this with my husband and not some outside source. I didn’t want you to think anything otherwise.
The Good Old Days
When you try to get back into the sexual swing of things, it can be difficult. Back in the day when you first met your loved one, you didn’t have to think about anything. There was no considering where you were in your cycle or when was the last time your partner ejaculated. And if you laid down after sex, it was solely to cuddle and NOT because you want to give sperm a chance to swim up stream. After so many years of engaging in this kind of timed sex and in only TTC sanctioned positions, it’s easy to forget that having sex used to be fun.
When my husband and I were dating and we started having relations (which is a nice way of saying "having crazy monkey sex"), all we needed was privacy. We would spend entire weekends in bed with Gatorade and lubrication. We couldn’t get enough of each other, and there was no limit to our passion.
This is in sharp contrast to what happened about six months ago. We decided to have sex every single day before ovulation to see if that would help get us pregnant (it didn’t by the way). By the eighth straight day of relations, when I reminded my husband that it was time to once again have sex, he actually said, “Ugh! Do we have to???” Come to think of it, he didn’t so much say it as much as he whined it.
Infertility Should Come with a Warning
Fertility issues should come with a warning label that says:
Prolonged trying-to-conceive sex can cause damage to your intimacy, self-esteem and your relationship.
Since our second IVF has now failed, and we’re on the market for perhaps another clinical trial or some cost-effective way (if one exists) to get knocked up, I want to take advantage of this “down time” and reconnect with that passionate time in our relationship.
The trouble is, if it’s at all possible, I think I may be sick of sex. Also (and I can’t believe I’m going to say this), sex has become associated with work and even, failure. It sounds insane, but to me, whenever I see a negative pregnancy test, I often think, “All that sex for nothing!”
A New Attitude
This is not a good attitude, and I think it’s clear that infertility has taken its toll. I’m determined to take advantage of our continued childless state and get back to having sex in every room, in every position and dammit — I’m going to enjoy it if it kills me.
In the past, I’ve tried some tried and true methods to rekindle the romance: candles, massages, sharing fantasies, etc., but because we’ve employed these things when trying to conceive, even they have gotten a bit tainted.
So where does that leave us? We still find each other attractive, and we still love each other. Maybe the key is to truly start from scratch. Date each other again. Rediscover each other all over. Take the pressure off and simply enjoy each other’s company … and perhaps the hot crazy monkey sex will return. I’m not exactly sure of the answer, but hopefully in the next month or so, I’ll find out.