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Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad BFP?
a blog by jennandtonica, June 30, 2010
Starting the battle with infertility is terrifying. Infertility treatments can be some of the most emotionally draining, fearsome things to go through. The scariest thing I've experienced in my experience with infertility, though, is the very thing we infertiles wish for the most: pregnancy.
I had to skip treatments during my first cycle after we started seeing the reproductive endocrinologist, but my first treatment cycle "ended" with a Big Fat Positive (Web-savvy TTCers call this a "BFP").
I was terrified! It seemed so soon and too good to be true - certainly we couldn't be one of the lucky couples to bat our eyes at an RE and walk away pregnant.
We weren't. That first pregnancy stuck with me only a few days after the tests - both urine and blood - had confirmed it. Devastated, we went back to the drawing board.
Five months later, after already giving up on the current treatment cycle, a pregnancy test proved me wrong: BFP No. 2.
We'd been waiting and trying and hoping and wishing, then came to terms that that cycle had failed and decided to take a break from the treatments. Two days after deciding on the break, I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic. Surely this had to be our time. Things just seemed so perfect, and I was at peace.
I was wrong. Again, the pregnancy lasted only long enough for urine (I think I went through at least 10 tests) and blood tests to confirm it.
After that, we did take a break for a cycle and came back with a new treatment plan that we hoped would solve my problems.
On the afternoon of June 2, in a fit of madness to rid my house of the last remaining pregnancy test, I tested early. It was positive.
The next morning, blood work confirmed the results. Pregnant. Two days later, more blood work further confirmed the results. Now, after five blood tests and an ultrasound, I can, with confidence, announce that I am pregnant.
The ultrasound introduced us to a new set of letters for our Infertility Alphabet Soup: A, B and C.
I'm pregnant. Wth triplets.
I'm terrified all over again. A singleton pregnancy carries with it enough risks - both for the normal folks and those of us with various fertility issues, mine being PCOS and a progesterone and estrogen deficiency. A multiple pregnancy only complicates matters further: the more babies carried, the more risks one faces.
I have seemingly beat infertility, but now I wonder if I can beat pregnancy . . .
I am terrified.
[Editor's Note: Jennandtonica lost Baby "C" last night. She writes, "Baby A and Baby B are both doing great with super strong heartbeats. My husband and I are both sad about losing Baby C but are enormously grateful that all looks well with A and B."]