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Who's Afraid of the Big, Bad BFP?


a blog by jennandtonica, June 30, 2010

Starting the battle with infertility is terrifying. Infertility treatments can be some of the most emotionally draining, fearsome things to go through. The scariest thing I've experienced in my experience with infertility, though, is the very thing we infertiles wish for the most: pregnancy.

I had to skip treatments during my first cycle after we started seeing the reproductive endocrinologist, but my first treatment cycle "ended" with a Big Fat Positive (Web-savvy TTCers call this a "BFP").

I was terrified! It seemed so soon and too good to be true - certainly we couldn't be one of the lucky couples to bat our eyes at an RE and walk away pregnant.

We weren't. That first pregnancy stuck with me only a few days after the tests - both urine and blood - had confirmed it. Devastated, we went back to the drawing board.

Five months later, after already giving up on the current treatment cycle, a pregnancy test proved me wrong: BFP No. 2.

We'd been waiting and trying and hoping and wishing, then came to terms that that cycle had failed and decided to take a break from the treatments. Two days after deciding on the break, I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic. Surely this had to be our time. Things just seemed so perfect, and I was at peace.

I was wrong. Again, the pregnancy lasted only long enough for urine (I think I went through at least 10 tests) and blood tests to confirm it.

After that, we did take a break for a cycle and came back with a new treatment plan that we hoped would solve my problems.

On the afternoon of June 2, in a fit of madness to rid my house of the last remaining pregnancy test, I tested early. It was positive.

The next morning, blood work confirmed the results. Pregnant. Two days later, more blood work further confirmed the results. Now, after five blood tests and an ultrasound, I can, with confidence, announce that I am pregnant.

The ultrasound introduced us to a new set of letters for our Infertility Alphabet Soup: A, B and C.

I'm pregnant. Wth triplets.

I'm terrified all over again. A singleton pregnancy carries with it enough risks - both for the normal folks and those of us with various fertility issues, mine being PCOS and a progesterone and estrogen deficiency. A multiple pregnancy only complicates matters further: the more babies carried, the more risks one faces.

I have seemingly beat infertility, but now I wonder if I can beat pregnancy . . .

I am terrified.

[Editor's Note: Jennandtonica lost Baby "C" last night. She writes, "Baby A and Baby B are both doing great with super strong heartbeats. My husband and I are both sad about losing Baby C but are enormously grateful that all looks well with A and B."]

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Comments (4)

I see from your blog that you are once again expecting triplets. From one triplet mama to another, congratulations! It's a wild but wonderful ride, and I predict you will not only survive, but thrive.

Best wishes,


I am so sorry for the loss of Baby C. Much love to you and your husband.

Terror is the right word to use when describing pregnancy after a battle with infertility and then pregnancy loss. It is hard to not spend the entire 9 months just waiting for that other shoe to drop. There are so many of us who quantify pregnancy with words like "I'm pregnant, as far as I know" or adding phrases like "we hope" or "if we are lucky" when people talk about actually having a real live baby in a few short months.

I know the pain and grief that comes with infertility and that comes with miscarriage. I know the distorted cocktail of happiness and sheer terror that is pregnancy after infertitlity and miscarriage. It's not a drink anyone wants to drink, but I didn't have a choice. It's like the world said, "Drink it down baby, this is all you're gettin'." It's a tough balance, but somehow I survived.

I am so truly sorry for the loss of your sweet little baby. Please know I am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

Wow...that's all I can really muster up at this point. I have never been able to get that BFP, and for you to get it and then just as quickly get it taken Def one of my fears if I am ever able to get that BFP. Multiples on top of again. Another of my fears indeed. So sorry of your loss of baby C. I pray you have the smallest number of complications possible!

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