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Five Tips for the Newly Infertile
a blog by Jenny Roo June 6, 2013
I often wish that before I was told in any official capacity that I was fertility-challenged, when I was just a bright-eyed bushy-chinned newbie who was only slightly suspicious of my impending doom, that I would've received a gift basket. You know, a basket full of baked goods, things to pee on, a few pointers and a note that said "Welcome to the Club! This is mostly going to suck."
After four years of fertility drugs, procedures and general uterine shenanigans, it's still not my favorite club to be a member of but I've definitely adjusted. The Jenny of four years ago, however, was bug-eyed, bewildered, and shouting to anyone who would listen "My Doctor wants to put WHAT WHERE?" Girlfriend could have used a brownie and a pamphlet.
So with the 2009 version of myself and any current newcomer in mind, my top five less-discussed Jennyesque pointers for said pamphlet:
1. If at any point your fertility doctor has suggested a test, and politely suggests to you that you should maybe take a tylenol before said test - smile, back away slowly, go home, and ransack the house for a vicodin.
2. No one gets a positive HPT four days after ovulation. You can hallucinate one and have it coincidentally be positive later, sure. When I was 20 I thought I had wrinkles, now at 31 I actually have a few. 20 year old Jenny was dealing with the crazies, 31 year old Jenny is dealing with reality. I should have spared myself the earlier and ridiculous torture.
3. If it is suggested that a new treatment will have some 'side effects', you are to interpret that to mean that much like Godzilla you will be swelling to twice your usual size and terrorizing your entire city.
4. If you are trying to distract yourself from infertility woes with a movie, steer clear of Pixar - 90% of those movies should come with a warning label. (I'm looking at you, Up).
5. If someone says "progesterone suppository" to you - run, don't walk, to Target and get a cheapy pack of Grandma panties that you will be okay with later burning in your backyard.
That all being said, it's going to suck but it's also going to be awesome. There will be days where you'll have to conjure up all the best bits of all the women that you have ever been, and days where you'll just be royally pissed. But there won't be a person on this planet who will appreciate their child more than you do.
And in the meantime, I'll figure out how to send everybody a basket full of chocolate and things to pee on. (Though I should say it's important not to mix those two things up).