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Crazy Baby Names

baby and rubber duck

a blog by Jenny Roo, June 22, 2013

It has been named. And by 'it' I either mean one of the Four Horsemen of the apocalypse or the offspring of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West - but let's face it, I probably mean both.

They named their daughter North. As in North West.

Personally if I was going to name a child to sound like an airline, I'm partial to Virgin Atlantic for their superior service (though the irony of Kim even being allowed to utter the word 'Virgin' is not lost on me). Fine, they have to go by the last name West, but why not give a wink to the music industry and name her South By South? A friend of mine said she was holding out for 'Wild Wild'. With directional names on the mind, it also begs the question has anyone ever named their child 'Right Left Wright'?

On the upside, if my 90s movie trivia is up to snuff, 'North' was a movie about a child who divorced his parents. So... there's hope?

Though I am thus far childless, I do not put myself above naming my child something that will inevitably give everyone pause. My name is Jennifer for gawds sake, and if I gave you my maiden name and all the time in the world, you would not be able to find me anywhere as there are approximately eleventy billion people with the same name. Left to my own devices I am likely to name my child Windex or Sugarplumfairy or Zippitydooda.

Thankfully for any future offspring, my husband grew up with an unusual name (I adore listening to people try to bark it out) and will doubtlessly balance out my vote to something more sane. I am going to try to name our spawn something that is less than embarrassing, but I make no promises.

Obviously everyone should be able to name their kid anything they damn well please, however, based on some of the more ridiculous names I've heard over the last few years, a few personal pleas.

Please oh please, when naming your daughter, if you're seeking to give her something unusual, ask yourself if it sounds like the name of a day-shift stripper. If you close your eyes, how easy is it for you to imagine a portly, middle-aged DJ asking foreign business men to please welcome her to the stage?

At the other end of the spectrum, if you're in the business of scoffing at the unusual names of recent years, please don't go coocoo overcompensating by naming your child something normally reserved for little old ladies or grumpy old men. Simple names are lovely. however, if a name has gone completely extinct it's usually for a reason. Ask yourself, with a name like that, is there any chance that they will have less than 10 cats in their thirties? Any chance that their main source of company won't be from homemade sock puppets or that their diet won't mostly consist of prunes and cans of Ensure?

And enough with the crazy spellings. I cry shenanigans (oooh, there's a good name...) If it's a family name or if you'd rather spell Mark with a C, you get a pass. Anything other than that - NO. No pass for you.

For example, Grayson is an adorable name - however when you spell it with seven y's, no vowels and a silent X at the beginning all you're doing is guaranteeing a lifetime of screwed up paperwork. It's not cute. And choosing a totally wackadoo spelling is basically the equivalent of taking a blood oath that as Zeus is your witness, your child will gain noteriety via a sex tape with a D list celebrity.

So really, without the 'West', I think North would be kind of cute. I'm hopeful that Kimye offspring is not the first sign of the apocalypse. Maybe we can at least put off the end of the world twenty years until Ms. North West inevitably procreates with the spawn of Snookie.


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