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The Fertility Top Ten

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ONE (1). It only takes one. Sperm, that is. Well, yes, technically you just need one, but if your hubby had a sperm test that resulted in just one viable sperm that wouldn’t sound so reassuring. In fact, that would be considered totally and utterly infertile. The fact is, anything under 20 million sperm per millilitre is considered ‘abnormal.’

TWO (2). For most, that’s how many folk it takes to have a baby. But for the infertiles, it usually takes a few more. So far I’ve had nine different doctors (five of which have had a good poke about in my lady bits), and still no child to show for it.

THREE (3). It used to be, when you were first dating, three was a crowd. Now looking round it turns out three is a family. And that’s a crowd you want to be part of.

FOUR (4). Foreplay. (Yes, it’s a stretch). Increasingly, it’s a mere formality. Does “Come on, I’m ovulating, just get on with it” sound familiar?

FIVE (5). One in five couples achieve that most frustrating of diagnoses: unexplained infertility. So even though you might feel like you are all alone (especially if your mates are as fertile as mine), lots of folk are having the same sort of problems as you. Me. Us.

SIX (6). Sixty percent of couples are pregnant within six months of trying. That means the average couple gets pregnant six months after they start trying. Which ‘nicely’ balances out people who get pregnant the first time they try versus people like us who take . . . . a lot, lot longer.

SEVEN (7). Seven days. Well five to ten days, so let’s take the average as seven. Seven days for a fertilised egg to wiggle its way out of the highway of the fallopian tube and (providing it has found its front door key) implant itself in the warm home-comforts of your womb.

EIGHT (8). Yup, I’m afraid for want of anything else I’ve got to talk Octomom. Regardless of her motivation, I think we can all pretty much agree that she and her doctor set back the debate on IVF a good twenty years.

NINE (9). Nine months. Nine long, long months of pregnancy. Pah, that is nothing compared to, how long? Twelve, 24, 40, 80 months of infertility?

TEN (10). This one I am leaving blank for you guys to suggest a grand finale fact or figure for the number 10.

Leave a comment with your suggestions – and feel free to suggest an 11, 12, 13 . . .

Maybe we’ll make it on to Letterman!

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