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The Proof is in the Pudding
a blog by Liz
You’ve stopped drinking alcohol. You sneak out of work on a fairly regular basis. Your weight is slowly creeping up.
You and I know that this is because you are trying your hardest to get pregnant. It is because of the interminable tests your doctors are running to try to figure out exactly why you aren’t managing to get pregnant. And the drugs you have been put on, coupled with a side-order of comfort eating, makes it harder to control your weight.
But we also know what most people will make of these little changes. They assume that you are pregnant. To fertile people, one (you), plus one (your partner), plus no drinking, plus weight gain, always equals three.
And there is very nothings as upsetting when you are trying -- and failing -- to get pregnant, than knowing that you are the subject of speculation and gossip that you might be expecting.
So, my dears, here are little hints and actions you can take to persuade your friends, colleagues and casual acquaintances that you aren’t pregnant, without sacrificing your new-found healthy life-style:
1. Come into work bemoaning your hangover, regardless of how you really feel.
2. If you are talked into after-work drinks, make sure you buy the first round. Order tonic water. Get it with ice and lime. Talk about how much you LOVE vodka and tonics in a loud voice. Leave before the next round, claiming that you are meeting other friends. Next time, repeat.
3. Buy tampons on your lunch hour, carry them around in a thin, see-through plastic bag
4. Ostentatiously plan the vacation of a lifetime to take place seven months in the future (even the dullest-witted of your colleagues will work out you’d either be too pregnant to fly or have a very young baby at that point)
5. Ask co-workers for strong pain killers explaining you have hideous period pains. Do this every four weeks.
6. Eat brie and pâté at your desk.
7. Bring in a chocolate mousse made with raw eggs and dole the dessert out to all and sundry, particularly to the heavily pregnant woman in the office (every office has a pregnant woman) and then exclaim, “Oh no, but of course you can’t have this because of the raw eggs.”
The proof, my dears, is in the pudding. Care to share any ways you go undercover?