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a blog by Liz
Dashed hopes are the hardest thing about infertility treatment.
And I'm not talking about the big ones -- the failure to get, or keep, a pregnancy -- but the smaller, forgotten ones along the way:
- The belief that you'll get answers when you go to your doctors only to find tests were inconclusive, or other investigations need to be done.
- The excitement that this cycle you'll get a chance to have IUI to find that you haven't ovulated, your doctor is on holiday or your womb lining isn't suitable. (Or cruelest of all, you responded too well and, for fear of multiples, you can't actually go ahead with the treatment.)
- Planning for the transfer of a blastocyte only to find that there is nothing viable for transfer. Or that the lining of your uterus isn't suitable.
Hard as it is, we can all prepare ourselves for a negative pregnancy test. Before the majority of us have had any medical intervention we have become used to seeing that single line on the test marking the passing of another month. We've all done the research and we know the disheartening percentage of positives from the first IVF or IUI.
That isn't in anyway to belittle the feelings when another treatment fails, but we have prepared ourselves.
But we forget to prepare ourselves for the non-events, the no shows, the cancellations. We assume that we will at least get a chance (however slim) of a positive.
But instead we are sent to the back of the queue to wait out another month, or more.
This month, several women whose stories I follow have had delays too. Not negatives, but postponements of treatment. It leaves you flat, recalculating potential birth dates and fearful that you’ll never get a chance.
Next week, on Tuesday, I should have the coil that I have had for six months removed. Ironic that a form of contraception "more effective than sterilization" (in my doctor's words), should be the key to helping my womb lining become prepared for pregnancy.
I am excited that I will once again be able to try to get pregnant.
But I am also scared.
Scared that I am allowing hope in to early.
Scared that the treatment won't have worked and further treatment will once again be delayed.
So I am trying to prepare myself for a disappointment, but that glimmer of hope is still starting to flicker once more.