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It's Payback Time!


a blog by Lori Shandle-Fox, Laughing IS Conceivable, May 20, 2011

So, Mother's Day is long gone. If by chance you're still stinging from it, and I certainly hope you aren't ... just remember, there's always one thing you can rely on in these trying infertile moments:


Some of us probably got through Mother's Day more gracefully than others. It doesn't really matter — whether you ate some chocolate, burned some bridges, walked away from family plans, stormed out of them, sucked it up with a big smile or told people to "screw off."

I give a lot of latitude to our behavior on this one wretched day. Basically, if you didn't use a nail gun on any individual or get tasered by the police, ya' done good in my book.

So I'm focusing my blogging this week as a tribute to all of those lovely mothers we know — some who probably reproduce quite easily and many who may not be ideal mother material.

It's my dubious tribute to Mother's Day and all the lovely mothers we know so well. Payback is a Bitch, speaking of which:

The Mother Teresas

The women who give until it hurts you, not them. They offer to do things nobody asked them to do: Picking up milk for you while they're at the supermarket becomes walking your dog, becomes picking out your clothes for work. It's a trap.

You say: "Thank you." But that's not enough. They want you to say: "You're the most selfless, beautiful human being and kind-hearted soul I've ever met in my entire life.

You have my utmost respect and approval. I hope to be you when I grow up. If I have a child, I shall name her after you. If I don't, I will erect a monument to you on my front lawn, no matter the cost."

If you ever wanted to help the needy, this is a good person to start with.

The Mother Madonnas

And I mean Madonna the performer, not the mother of Jesus. You know, the one so great at getting herself media attention.

These are women who have to always be the center of attention and are big on the One Up-Manship Game.

"I have a sunburn." "I have a melonoma."

"My cat just had three kittens." "My cat just had three kittens and a puppy."

"My husband got a raise and a promotion." "My husband became President of Bolivia."

"I just got fired, and I'm so depressed." "I just got fired and was escorted off the premises by security."

The Mother Superiors

I have had a friend for years like that. I've been friends with her for 20 years but have been able to stand her for fewer than half of those.

She loves to impress. She'll only come visit for a day because then she has to jet-set off to another friend on the other side of the state or continent or galaxy. (No she's not Judy Jetson. Please don't try to figure out who this is.)

I don't think she has a lot of money, but she loves to look down at poor people — a political party of which I've been a charter member for decades.

She can't tell you any story about anybody without including their titles. "I went to dinner with Don, the head thoracic surgery at Main Hospital and his wife Elizabeth, Chief Engineer for NASA."

I know she's trying to impress, but all I could think was:

"Wow, A chief surgeon and a top engineer. They couldn't find anybody more interesting than her to eat with? Maybe she won a meal with them in a PBS pledge-drive auction."

So, if you absolutely must think about "Mother's Day," just make sure you remember ALL of the MOTHERS you know so well.

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