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The Worst Infertility Nurse Possible

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a blog by Lori Shandle-Fox, Laughing IS Conceivable, June 30, 2011

To read more of Lori Shandle-Fox's Trust Me: Laughing IS Conceivable blogs, CLICK HERE.

Fertility, in case you haven't seen it right there on the left, names a "Nurse of the Month" every month. It's a great honor. It just, in my opinion, doesn't go far enough.

I think with the acknowledgment, the "Nurse of the Month" should also receive the Medal of Honor for bravery ... or combat pay ... something.

"Infertility Nurse" certainly is not a job for everyone, like me for instance.

The ideal infertility nurse should be caring, compassionate and tolerant ... very tolerant. Comatose-level tolerant. Tolerant enough to deal with us — the emotionally freaked out, the physically stressed out and the financially tapped out — hour after hour, day in and day out, without choking us.

Personally I think that's asking a bit much. If I for some absurd reason were to become an infertility nurse, I could not guarantee that I wouldn't throttle someone. If I were you, I wouldn't let my hands within 10 feet of any infertile woman's throat.

I wouldn't even let me return phone calls.

    "Look, why do you people have to call me after office hours? I have a life too you know. You people take this "on call" thing too seriously. It's not like I get paid overtime or anything."

    "Stop your whining already. All you people do is kvetch, kvetch, kvetch."

    "It's all about you isn't it? I'll have you know, I went to KFC today for lunch, and they only had grilled chicken available ... at lunchtime. How ridiculous is that? Do you think those 20 cars in the drive-thru were lined up waiting for grilled chicken?

    Who goes to KFC for grilled chicken unless you're trying to justify your mashed potatoes with gravy and mac and cheese or you got out-voted by your group and ended up at KFC?

    So, I didn't get the lunch I really wanted, but you don't hear me complaining do you? See, other people, not just you, have bad things going on in their lives that they have to deal with too."

    "Hi, this is Nurse Lori. I'll be doing your insemination tomorrow. Just a courtesy call to see how you're doing and to remind you to shower and shave your legs before your appointment."

    "The two-week wait got its name because you have to wait two weeks to find out if you're pregnant. Could you not call me every single day for two weeks? I promise you: I have no insider information."

I also would be too expensive to hire. In addition to my own salary, I would require a personal body guard. Look, we infertile women are perpetually on our last nerve and always hepped up on hormones ... any one of us could flip out at any given moment.

And anyway, I think it would make more sense to hire a body guard to stand next to me throughout the day than have me call security after each patient.

    "Angela Jones! Security!"

It also would be practical for squeamish patients.

    "Okay, don't look at the needle. Just concentrate on the nice big burly man ... Okay, done! You did great! Thanks Victor."

He also would serve yet another purpose: Lifeguard.

In case a patient got me particularly irritated, he could keep me from choking them. I told you I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't.

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Comments (1)

I am an infertility nurse, who herself struggles with infertility and failure. Everyday, I call my amazing patients with their next steps….and hold my breath and pray every time I see their results come in!!! The best part of my day, calling them with a positive test, the worst, calling with a negative! We feel every emotion with our patients, especially myself, as I struggle to get a baby of my own!!! I have lost 7 baby's and can't seem to be able to do this in my own!!!! We just want you all to know that we, as your nurses, are here for you, we are your partners, and in this with you!!! Every heartache you feel, guess what, I cry it with you! For every happy outcome, bad or good, I cry, and I rejoice with you!!! Give your fertility nurse a hug!!! I have been a nurse for 14 years, I have worked in icu settings and have seen so much!!! I have felt the most heartache from being a fertility nurse!!! Just hope I can have a baby too!!! I feel your pain, on every level, and I feel your joy! Had an amazing day with 9 positive calls!!! I held my breath as your results appeared on my computer screen, and I said a little prayer. I laughed and cried with 9 of you today, tears of joy and triumph. I cried tears of pain with 3 of you! My heart is full of joy for 9 of you and sad for the three of you who weren’t pregnant….::including myself…once again!!!! But I Love you girls! I’m here for you! This is the best job ever!!! Reply

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