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The Real Housewives of Infertilityville...A Holiday Special

a blog by Lori Shandle-Fox, November 7, 2012

The worst thing about any holiday gathering besides the people you hoped weren't coming who came anyway, a few of whom you could swear only came because they knew you didn't want them to come, the over-cooked dried out turkey (for which your aunt received a summons from the Audubon Society from which she was only absolved because family members swore that she would never be permitted to decimate another bird as long as she lived), the indigestion, the lying about which food is good and which is unidentifiable, the kissy-kissies with relatives whose "friend" requests you've been ignoring for years--the worst thing about any holiday gathering is...Being the hot topic of conversation.

I mean of course it's okay if they bring up your graduation with honors or your great new job but they usually spend thirty seconds on the good stuff and what seems like an eternity plus forty-five minutes on the "So what's the deal? Why aren't you pregnant yet?" stuff.

So the goal this holiday season is: Unhooking yourself. That is: Getting yourself off the hook. There always has to be a juicy story circulating around a holiday dinner table. That's fine. Just make sure it's not YOUR story. You need to create diversions. You need to, between now and Thanksgiving or at least Thanksgiving and New Year's to, well, get your family its own reality show.

"The Real Housewives of Infertilityville."

(Talking to the camera) "I thought it would be nice this holiday season to invite over all my cousins who I never got along with and who hate each other so maybe we could smooth over thirty years of misunderstandings all at one dinner.

I thought it might be a good time to invite my neighbor also. I know that she slept with my cousin Selena's husband two months ago but I'm pretty sure Selena already forgot about all that. I totally get that Selena tried to stick an ice pick in her neck at Tiara's daughter's coming out party but I know that she wouldn't dare do anything like that at my holiday black tie, fashion show dinner bash soiree with a rainbow theme.

I'm thinking that this dinner might also be the perfect time to ask my cousin Bettina if she could be my egg donor and my niece Elenora if she wouldn't mind being my surrogate and actually having the baby for me so I don't have to. Don't get me wrong: I really do want a baby. It's just that I'm so busy with my new shoe line and opening up my theme park is just taking way longer than I expected. And anyway having a baby sounds so messy and painful. Elenora's had three already. I don't see what difference one more would make. She's good at it.

And Bettina has a really pretty original nose and gorgeous hair and I'd love to have my baby look like that. I'm debating whether or not to tell her that I want Elenora to be the surrogate. She thinks Elenora's a snob and she might not want her eggs being grown in a snob's uterish.

I hope De'andra doesn't bring her 20 year old boy toy, Todd. I wouldn't mind if at least if he'd show some class and wear a shirt this time, and they didn't grope each other under the table.

I really hope that Michelina doesn't bring up how she thinks my husband swindled her brother in that business deal. I think it's all just jealousy. They want what I've got: Six beautiful cars, six beautiful plastic surgeries and a successful line of nail polish.

I was thinking: Maybe this holiday dinner would also be the perfect time to launch my new perfume. I'm thinking if I have the luxurious scent of "La Fertilite" all around the room, that might just put Bettina in the right mood to give up her eggs and Elenora to agree to grow them for me in her uterish. Wait. Is it 'uterus' or 'uterish'? Does anybody know? I think it's either. Anyway, I wonder if we can do the whole egg and uterish thing at the dinner party so the baby will be ready to go to the beachhouse next season.

I just hope there's no drama at my dinner. You know the LAST thing I want is drama."


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