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Fertility Data and Studies and Blah, Blah, Blah ...

a blog by Lori Shandle-Fox, February 14, 2012

As I was just saying over at my blog, you've probably already heard about this new study in Australia about infertile women.

That was actually the point of it. That a lot of women who are supposedly infertile, really aren't. They're just lazy. Well their reproductive systems are lazy anyway.

This study followed around these women (ages 28-36) who had been trying to conceive for a year.

(Maybe that's why they couldn't get pregnant. What self-respecting Aussie is going to have sex knowing that there's a team of scientists peeking in their windows taking notes?

"You can't touch me now, Ethan. There are those annoying people in lab coats standing on our deck leaning against the barbie and looking in our bedroom window again." )

So the long and short of the study was that: Of all the supposedly infertile women they traipsed around Australia after for a few years, a little more than half of those who went through fertility treatments eventually did get pregnant … whereas slightly fewer than half of those who did NOT go through any fertility treatments ALSO got pregnant. What the … ?

Apparently a lot of those women who reported they were having trouble conceiving were not really infertile. They were just fertility-challenged.

These findings are great news — especially for the lazy, poor and disorganized.

Let's say you're 25, and you've been trying to get pregnant for a year or so. You were meaning to go to a fertility clinic, but you know … you had to get that emergency haircut. I mean you couldn't go out in public with your hair looking like that.

Then you had some money saved for the fertility doctor consultation, but then, on the way to the joint, just about a block away, you saw those amazing boots in the window.

Then you were going to call and make another appointment, but The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills marathon was on, and it would be on for six hours (well beyond when the fertility clinic would be closed) and the cell phone was oh so far away in the other room. Luckily the chips and Mountain Dew were within arm's length.

"So hey, look at me, two years later my hairstylist is now my BFF, I have my must-have boots that are still in the box because I haven't found just the right place to wear them yet, I'm up-to-date on all of my vital Beverly Hills Housewives trivia, and I still got pregnant anyway!"

It's also great for the poverty-stricken among us. (And if you aren't poverty-stricken when you start fertility treatments, wait a few months and we'll talk again.)

So your insurance covers nothing — birth control, maybe, baby making, definitely not. So you've just been emptying your pockets and throwing your loose change in a jar every night before you take your pants off. By the end of the month, you're already up to $26. Not bad! If you can keep up the pace, in a 100 more months, you'll be able to start treatments. So now, jump ahead …

A few years have gone by, and you're about half way there if you count the pennies in the mix, and voila … you're already pregnant, and you can spend the money on eating Burger King for two or six (just in case they made a mistake and at the last minute they realize it's quintuplets).

I've never been much for infertility statistics, but anyone that tells you the key to getting pregnant is to know nothing, do nothing and spend nothing, count me in.


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