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Labor Day: A Very Important Holiday for Infertiles

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Infertile people often have difficulty getting through holidays. We all know that. Most of us have experienced it first-hand. But one of the worst is Labor Day. I'm serious. (Okay, most of you know that even when I'm serious, I'm not serious. In fact when I preface something by saying: "I'm serious" you can bet money that I'm about to turn very sarcastic very soon.)

The deal with Labor Day is that a lot-- unfortunately for us-- revolves around kids. But not like Christmas where kids are everywhere: In pictures, in the mall, in your living room.

On Labor Day kids are not present, they're just the focus of every conversation. And what a dull conversation it is. For those aspiring to become parents, Labor Day is a good time to listen, soak in, and learn. Learn what not to do when you become a parent. Learn from normal, intelligent people who apparently pushed out the "interesting" hormone along with the baby. Don't let this happen to you!

This is a fabulous time of year for me, the sports fan. For two weeks every year, culminating with Labor Day weekend, I've got football, baseball, and Grand Slam tennis. But then there's a less exhilarating sport we all have to contend with. If you're not in the conversation at the moment, you've certainly had to endure overhearing the drivel. Let the Wide World of Monotonous Chatter begin!

"David's in second grade. He has Mrs. Turner this year."

"Brianna had Mrs. Turner last year. We liked her."

"I spent $286 on supplies for school."

"Did you get the list of required supplies from the school?"

"No they had it at Target."

"They sent home a letter to the parents not to put labels on any of the supplies this year so that everything can be shared."

"Does Michael know anyone in his class?"

"His friend Anthony from last year is in his class."

"That's good."

"The bus came late the first day."

"What bus is she on?"


"Really? Elizabeth's on 240 and it goes right past your stop."

(Anybody still awake?)

So what this conversation obviously needs so desperately is some sprucing up... by an Angry, Bitter, Bitchy, Infertile person who feels both that she has nothing left to lose and is on the verge of losing it. Let's call her "ABBI". (Warning: ABBI it seems, is very Angry, Bitter, and Bitchy today)

"Patrick's going to be in the Boy Scouts again this year."

ABBI: "My cousin was in the Boy Scouts when he was 9. Now he's 54. And gay...I'm sure it doesn't mean anything...Just saying. And Patrick's getting up there. He's like, what, 14? He's not going to be one of those boys who's still in it when he's 18 is he? I'm not saying that would make him a loser..."

"My daughter's Girl Scout troop is going to be selling cookies next week already."

ABBI: "Girl Scouts? That's a cult isn't it? Like Amway and Scientology? Geez, because of Girl Scouts, I know every rear exit, side exit, and emergency exit out of every Wal-Mart within a 12 mile radius."

"The cookie drive promotes wonderful mother/daughter bonding."

ABBI: "Is cookie-pushing even legal? Aren't there child labor laws?"

"I put my son in a different school this year. He just wasn't learning with the teachers in that school."

ABBI: "I guess it could be the school. Or maybe he's just not too swift. Did you ever think of that? I mean your husband's not terribly bright. It could be genetic. He is his son...isn't he? I've always just assumed so. But what do I know?"

It's Labor Day. Good name for it... These chats are a chore.

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