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I Ask You: Where Do the Hollywood Elite Get Their Sperm?

a blog by Lori Shandle-Fox, April 1, 2013

It's the new trend. Everyone in Hollywood is talking publicly about their fertility issues. The infertility bandwagon. Only those longing for limelight could aspire to jump on it. (The rest of us spend every waking moment figuring out a way to jump the hell off of it.) I'm not saying lots of celebrities don't really need fertility treatments. Or that some of the need could have been averted if they hadn't abused their bodies for years with bizarre diets so they could be translucent in a bikini. Or that maybe some of the 30 year old starlets are really 45 and their eggs have turned to star-dust (sorry).

Of course, if you can believe the tabloids (and who doesn't?) there are probably those celebrities (and other irritating rich folk) who are perfectly fertile but (ab)use IVF to up the likelihood of twins or to guarantee their pregnancy will take place between concert tour dates. (What's 15 grand among friends?) I find that irksome.

We have twisted ovaries, upside down uteri, slow sperm, sperm with no sense of direction, things growing where they shouldn't be, parts that used to be there but aren't anymore, endometriosis, low hormone levels, high hormone levels, no hormone levels, old eggs and not enough eggs and all these fricken people have is a scheduling conflict.

I wonder though why you don't hear too much about celebs using egg donors - and especially sperm donors. (Or did I miss that issue of US magazine?) I'm thinking that's going to be the next big trend. For us regular folk, we mostly think of using a sperm donor in an extreme situation when you feel your options are limited: Your husband's sperm qualify him for handicapped parking OR you're in a same-sex relationship and neither of you has a pee pee OR you want a baby but not a baby daddy. But that's just us regular folk, like I said.

For a Hollywood star, on the other hand, the creative ways to use a sperm donor are endless:

  1. You marry a nice guy and hire a better looking one to father your children. OR
  2. You marry one whose star is on the rise to boost your career and then let your true love, the guy who stocks the shelves at Walgreen's, be the real baby daddy. OR
  3. You enter into a mutually beneficial arrangement with this superstar: You agree to marry him to dispel the rumors that started when Cribs filmed a segment at his apartment which included the half-naked Justin Timberlake poster over his bed and he agrees to bankroll your sperm bank withdrawal.

Hmmm. Sperm donors. I hope I didn't just expose Hollywood's next dirty little secret in this little journalistic exposé of mine. Now it's all bound to come out. All of those handsome young actors who chose to be a serial sperm donor instead of waiting tables as they were climbing the ladder to fame. Maybe some of them have fathered half of Hollywood and don't even know it. Maybe celebrities have their sperm donor on speed dial. They have him meet them at the delivery entrance to the mansion. Remember the good old days when that entrance was reserved exclusively for the caterer and the coke dealer?

I tell you. It can't be easy living on Planet Hollywood... and clearly I ain't talkin' about the roof of the restaurant.


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