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He Is, Therefore I Am


a blog by tori

Let's start this blog with a visualization.

Think back, back to sitting in high school, more importantly sitting in your Human Growth and Development class (or as it used to be called, Sex Ed). A teacher (normally a same-sex science teacher) would stand at the front showing slides. Slides of pregnancy, slides of sperm, slides of eggs, slides of all the things that happen when one starts to mature, and what could happen if you didn't have good control of yourself.

You were mortified. One time! One time is all it took to get pregnant! It could even be your first time! Oh my goodness! You would never, ever have unprotected sex, at least not until you were married.

Let's skip ahead a few years. And lets make this about me, not you ( at least not yet, haha). Now I am married!! Married to my high school sweetheart in fact. We are the couple in our group of friends who have always wanted kids. My husband has wanted kids since way before we should have ever been thinking of kids (I reminded him of “the slides” often).

A couple months before our glorious wedding ceremony I decided I was done done DONE with birth control. I started taking my prenatal vitamins, and we planned out how quickly a baby could come into our lives after the wedding. We weren't naive enough to think that it would happen in the first month, but we planned on being “preggers” by month four or five for sure!!!

Months four and five came and went. I was shocked! What happened to that “one time”? I implored my gynecologist, surely she could point something out, something we must have been missing. Her response “relax, I'll see you again when it's been a year of trying.”

A YEAR? Come on! Don't they know about our plan? Well, the dreaded year mark came. I had a feeling. A bad feeling. I knew something was wrong. I knew it wasn't just the stress. I knew we were doing everything right (come on, how hard is it to do?).

Unfortunately, I was right about something being wrong. We had our initial orientation with our RE and laughed at how my husband would have to do his business into a cup to be examined. We shouldn't have laughed. The test results came back, sperm count: 0.

My first thought, "Is that even possible?” I mean, really... zero? We called the next day (we found this out over, email by the way, thank you, hospital lab technology), and the shock was confirmed. Hubby went in for a repeat analysis.... zero.

The next month was full of testing (and crying). There was an ultrasound, and a biopsy, and then a diagnosis. Severe Hypospermatogenesis. What. A. Mouthful.

I practice saying it often. I practice not crying when I say it as well.

Our options were bleak. Adoption, or donor insemination. Not how I, at 23, and my husband, at 26 thought we would be building our family. But, after a couple of months of going between anger and sadness we came to a decision, and an acceptance. This is our life, we can't change it, and there is no point in wishing things could be different.

Our decision . . . Donor Insemination (DI). We did have a brief dabble in adoption (which we think is a great gift, and anyone who decides on this family building option is amazing), but decided it was not for us.

Right now we are at the very beginning. We have our first DI consultation on July 24. We have a ton of questions, which we are hoping will all be answered with sincere, positive, and thorough answers (one can hope right).

Overall, we are excited (more than anything). We are scared (beyond belief). We are hopeful (possibly to a fault).

We know the road will be long and bumpy, and it will be a roller-coaster of emotions. The other day my husband said it well. He compared the journey through infertility to an old, wooden roller-coaster. Back when they were longer, and bumpier than anything we see today.

My goal is for this blog to be about real feelings and situations, and not a sugar-coated look at what will probably be the most emotionally-trying time of our lives. I also want to be really straightforward about the fact that I am NOT an expert on donor insemination. I am, as any current or past “TTCer” is likely to be, obsessed with finding out any and all information that I can about the fertility challenges put before me.

This blog will be my honest findings, opinions, rants, ramblings and raves about the fertility journey my husband and I are embarking on; I hope you join me on the ride!

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