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Dealing with a Failed Cycle?
a blog by tori
This is a blog I had hoped I would never have to write. One I’d been fearing. One about a failed cycle. Even more so, I had hoped to never have to write about multiple failed cycles. And yet here I am. Here a lot of us are. Wondering why? Why -- when they’ve identified the problem and fixed it -- are we still not pregnant?
I recently found out that my donor IUI (DIUI) cycle number two was not successful. I will say that I definitely took it better this month than I did last month (meaning I didn’t cry for hours and participate in a total two day pity party). Although I had hoped, and prayed, and tried to will this cycle to be “the one,” I prepared myself for it to be negative, and when it was, it wasn’t such a bulldozer of emotions. Part of this has to do with the things I have been reminding myself to be thankful for over the past month.
First, I’m thankful for the relationship I have with my husband. Over the past two years, since we seriously started trying to conceive, our relationship has grown so much. What I had thought was a strong relationship already, has grown into a partnership that I am relatively sure can withstand almost anything set before us. We have seen such incredible ups and downs over the past couple of years that, at times, it felt like we wouldn’t be able to pull ourselves out of bed and face the day, and yet here we are, strong and ready to face whatever happens next. I have learned that my husband is an amazingly selfless, amazingly mature, thoroughly, well, amazing, man. He has always wanted children, and now, in the face of a challenge, he has chosen the absolute most selfless option so that we can experience pregnancy together. I will never be able to fully express to him what his decision means to me.
Second, I am so thankful for the relationships I have made with other women who I have met through TTC and IF support groups. I did say to one of my friends the other day that “I wish we’d met under different circumstances, but I’m still glad we met.” I have met women who have faced fertility challenges I cannot even begin to comprehend, and yet they are still trying, still hoping to build their families. I admire so many of the women I’ve met. I am so used to having them to talk to every day, and now can’t imagine them not being in my life.
Third, and maybe most important, I am so thankful to live in a time when fertility miracles can happen. I try to think what it would be like a hundred years ago, not being able to get pregnant. I realize a couple of things when I think about this. One, the problem would have most likely been blamed on me. There wouldn’t be tests or anything medical to back it up. But the problem certainly wouldn’t have been blamed on the manly man who ruled the house. Our RE has told us that up until fairly recently numbers on the partner likely to be the cause of fertility problems were highly skewed toward women. It wasn’t until a few years ago that medical professionals found out -- and made public – the fact that it is a 50/50 type of thing. Then, after blaming the fertility problem on me, there’d be no more to the conversation. Medical intervention for infertility just wouldn’t have been an option, even 50 years ago, most of the miracles that are achieved today were out of the question. I live in a time when a couple who cannot achieve their own pregnancy has options. Options that are achievable.
As much as I want to crawl into bed and do nothing for the next two weeks until my next IUI, I have to keep hope in my mind, because I am lucky enough to live in a time when infertility does not mean childlessness, at least not forever.
Dealing with failed cycles is something I had hoped to avoid, but I know that statistically I’m not in that bad of a spot. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I know that someday I will be a parent. If the IUIs I’ve had thus far have not achieved pregnancy, I know that it’s for a reason. I know that it wasn’t the baby meant for me.
I know that as long as I keep my eye on the goal, and as long as my relationship with my husband stays the focal point of our journey through infertility, eventually our dream of being parents will be fulfilled.
And for that, I’m already thankful.