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The Joy of a Positive Pregnancy Test...
a blog by tori, Dec. 29, 2008
I’ve been needing to update for a long time, but I haven’t really known what to say. Our third cycle of IUI using donor sperm was successful. We thought we had our dream, but something went wrong.
First, let me say that seeing a positive pregnancy test was everything I thought it would be. I took my test a day early because I knew -- the gagging in the morning and my super sore breasts told me that something was different about this cycle. I was right. I think I silently screamed in the bathroom for a good three minutes as that second line got darker and darker. I felt like I had waited a lifetime to see it. I thought about how to tell my husband, who was sleeping away. I tried to think of cute ways, fun ways, special ways.
In the end I just told him, and it was wonderful. The smile on his face made me forget what we had gone through to get there. My first HCG (blood pregnancy test) numbers came back amazing – 371 -- scarily amazing. I started trying to get my mind wrapped around the thought of multiples.
We were in awe. We told our parents and some close friends who knew we were in treatments. Then we got our second blood test numbers, and then our third, and our fourth. None of them were good. I went in for an ultrasound and the doctors determined it was not a viable pregnancy. At this point they think there is a high chance that it was ectopic, and that the early implantation associated with it cause the high numbers. The other option is that it was multiples. I can’t decide which I like to imagine it was more. Both come with their own set of feelings.
Ultimately what kills me about the whole experience is that my husband, who has had such a hard couple of years, was so happy for the week that we thought our dreams had come true. He referred to me numerous times as his “pregnant wife” and touched my belly as much as he could. He smiled and laughed like I hadn’t seen him do in so long, and any worries I had about him connecting to a donor baby instantly disappeared. He was already in love. From the moment he saw the pregnancy test he was enthralled with all things pregnancy and baby.
Having to tell him that it wasn’t going to work out was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do (the only thing that rivaled that was telling him that his sperm count was zero). It’s been a rough couple of years.
Right now we are on a forced break. We lost our good insurance on December 1 and can no longer afford fertility treatments. Things right now are hard. I feel like my husband and I are barely keeping our heads above water. But I know it will get better; I know I won’t always feel like this.
My good friends have helped me get through all these feelings, and I am starting to come to grips with the fact that the pregnancy just wasn’t meant to be. This is a club I never wanted to be a part of. I thought that being an active member in the infertility club would somehow make participation in the miscarriage club avoidable. I know that doesn’t make sense . . . but that was logic I just wanted to believe.
Eventually my husband and I will be parents, and we’ll be good ones, but I just have to remember that infertility works on its own timing, and that I can’t force it and can’t wish my baby into existence.
Although if I could, I would wish ours and all of yours into existence as well.