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Taking a Break from Treatment
a blog by tori, Jan. 29, 2010
In my last blog I wrote a bit about the fact that my husband and I are now on a forced break from fertility treatments. When I started to pull myself out of my miscarriage grief and get back into my normal groove, it was really hard to come to grips with not trying to get pregnant -- naturally or through treatments. It’s funny how during treatment I could look at the needles and the progesterone and the “sharps” container and be so upset that I had to go through all of this to have a baby, yet when I no longer had to deal with any of that, it was even harder to adjust.
When you’ve lived life in two-week increments for nearly two years, and then suddenly you have all the time in the world, it’s hard. There are no constraints. No planned sex. No skipping the caffeine and sushi. No anxiously awaiting an HCG blood test. You are just . . . free. And yet, gaining freedom is admitting that you are losing a dream. Maybe not forever, but at least for the moment. It’s hard to enjoy the sushi and soda. It’s even harder to enjoy the “boost-you-out-of-your-grief” drink your friend buys you when in the back of your head all you are thinking is “I shouldn’t be able to have alcohol right now!”
As hard as it has been to adjust to the non-TTC, non-treatment lifestyle, I will say that in some ways it has been good. Once I got through a couple of weeks of pretty bad depression, I was able to take a deep breath and actually feel relaxed. I wasn’t planning weekly or bi-weekly appointments around my and my husband’s work schedule. I didn’t have to worry about where I would be at the time I was supposed to give myself injections, or if I had to be home for my 10 p.m. HCG trigger.
This month I actually lost track of what day of my cycle I was on! I completely forgot!! I had to count back and try to remember! That has definitely not happened in the last couple of years. I am used to being able to know, almost to the hour where I am in my cycle. Now I can just progress through all parts of my cycle without worry (well, except for the worry that Aunt Flow will show up when I am least expecting her).
I am using this time to work on me … emotionally, spiritually and physically. Emotionally I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. Sometimes I’ll go through a week crying nearly every day, and then have a few days of just being happy. Mostly happy to just be spending time with my husband when he’s not working (can I just say again how much closer we have become through all of this … it really is quite amazing).
I‘ve started seeing a counselor, and will probably also be joining an infertility support group, which I am really excited about! Spiritually, I am hoping to get back to going to church regularly, I am going to be joining a bible study on spiritual healing, and I will hopefully be able to come to terms with what has been going on in my life over the last couple of years.
Physically (and this is the biggest challenge) I want to lose some weight. New Year’s resolution?? Always!! This year I am telling myself that I especially need to be diligent so that once we start treatments again, I am nice and healthy! I need to change some eating habits and get in some good workouts (courtesy of my new Wii Fit!)
I’m starting a new year with new goals, and I’m hoping that by putting them in writing here, I’ll be more committed to them!