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What 'Hope' Feels Like


A blog by Tori Emmons, August 25, 2010

The last couple of months (maybe a few months) have felt hopeless. I’ve been unmotivated to write, unmotivated to work — pretty much just plain old unmotivated.

The World Keeps Moving

It’s been one of those times in life where it feels like the world is rushing around me, but I am standing still. Things pass by in a bit of whirl. Everything I want in life seems to be on pause, while everything else seems to be set on fast forward.

In the last few months my best friend gave birth to her second child, my stepsister found out she was pregnant, and as usual, numerous other friends of friends are awaiting little ones. We are still not.

Even though the past few months have felt pretty hopeless. I try to know — I want to know — that the future is not. I know that someday I’ll be a parent,. But wow, all the standing still has definitely been taking its toll. My husband has been having a rough time as well, especially with our currently less than preferable job situations. he just feels like he’s failing. We both do. We’ve been in need of some good news.

A Day I'd Been Dreading

A few weeks ago was the week I’ve been dreading for months… eight months.

It's been eight months since my miscarriage. It’s amazing how time goes fast and slow at the same time. I can’t believe it’s been that long, and at the same time, I can’t believe it’s only been a matter of months. I have been up and down all week. Feeling guilty, feeling like I’ve failed… feeling at fault for something that I SHOULD know was just not in my control. I get most upset when I think about how happy my husband and our family were when we found out we were pregnant, and how devastated we all were when we realized it wasn’t going to work out. Those are the times I feel like I can’t even breathe.

I didn’t know how I was going to deal with my estimated due date. I was scared. The day before was rough. I cried and was angry for a good chunk of the day, and went to bed when it was still light out … dreading the morning to come.

Well, morning came, and as I was lying in bed, the phone rang… at 6:30 a.m. "This can’t be good," was my initial thought. Who would be calling our home phone that early? Then the machine picked up….

On the phone was a man from an organization in New York that wants to help people have children. We had applied for their grant earlier this year, but had not heard from them, and therefore assumed that we just didn’t fit their criteria. After calling our home phone, he tried my cell, which I picked up with shaking hands … they couldn’t be calling the people who weren’t picked right?

I answered the phone, and the very kind man on the other end of the line said he was pleased to let us know that we HAD in fact been selected to receive money toward our treatment. I cried… I jumped around a bit… I cried some more. I told him how amazing it was that he called today of all days… he seemed amazed, too. He called it "divine providence." I agreed.

Finding Hope Again

It’s not a gigantic amount of money in the realm of fertility treatments, but it’s enough to give us hope, and HOPE is what we were lacking terribly. It’s amazing how one glimpse of hope can change our attitudes. In the past few weeks we’ve actually started discussing treatment again, in terms of months, not years. We even did a new search for donors and contacted the clinic we are planning on using. Having that hope changes everything.

We are terrified to jump back into treatment. It seems unreal that we’ll be going through all of it again. It seemed so far off a couple of days ago, and now it seems like within the next six months we could be back on the rollercoaster!

We are excited, scared and more cautious than before, but most of all we are hopeful. Hopeful for the future, hopeful for the next few months as things (hopefully) come together, and hopeful that things will work out for us this time.

Having hope feels amazing.

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