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I am.

I am.
Not really.

That is the confession. There. I said it.

I am fertile. Probably extremely so. I menstruate every 32 days. My Fertility Friend charts would be the envy of most women, complete with fiery temperature surge that occurs mid-cycle, preceded, of course, by 4 days of textbook spinbarkeit. I experience mittleshmertz for 3 days preceding ovulation—my very own personal internal OPK. I get a positive surge of luteinizing hormone on cycle day 15 of every.single.month. It’s disgusting, really.

But don’t be fooled by the facts. In a few short months I will purchase pills, suppositories, and massive doses of hormone injections. I’ll stab myself bruised for a few weeks and then undergo procedural sedation for egg retrieval. Each of my eggs will be injected with a single sperm and then observed in a laboratory for a three to five-day period. If we are blessed by the fertility gods (which by now we have obviously not been), two of the hopefully developing embryos will be transferred back into my uterus hopefully leading to my holy grail known in most circles as . . . pregnancy.

See. Totally fertile. All of those aforementioned fertility signs drove me to immense self-chastisement over the previous year. We aren’t getting pregnant therefore I must be doing something wrong. If I could just figure out what that one thing wrong is…I could turn this whole thing around. It must be the wrong combination of intercourse days. It must be my attitude (my inner child must not feel ‘ready’ for this). I must not be lying with my legs at the precisely right angle for the full twenty minutes after sex.

Imagine my horror and relief when the results came rolling in. Sperm. Not nearly enough. Some. But never enough. Wrong shape. Deformed. Slow. Sad. Male Factor Infertility.

In an instant the birds and the bees stop flying.

The face of reproduction changes. The image carved into my mind when my mother sat me down to have ‘the talk’ takes on a new form. Sex doesn’t make babies. Doctors make babies. Scientists make babies. Babies are made in the spotlight of a large microscope in a pleasantly warmed plastic dish.

And thus. I am. We are. Also. Infertile.

I am. Infertile.

Visit my blog: Conceive This!

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Comments (11)

You are right...We are infertile. We have to be in this together or it will rip us apart. Great post!

Well, said. There isn't (or at least shouldn't be) any of the blame game in this infertility business. It doesn't matter who is biologically at fault, but if you are in a couple and trying to have a baby you are both experiencing infertility.

The site looks great! I just joined, so I'm still trying to feel my way around... It was nice to see a familiar face. :) Lots of luck with your new blogging endeavors.

Sad to read such a familiar story. I was you 4 years ago, when I thought I was doing something wrong, but then again, I was still 28 years old, so nobody was really taking me seriously! Anyway, I've had one retrieval, no "fresh" transfer (I developed OHSS) , went on to have two frozen transfers since (IVF with ICSI), with no success yet!

Good luck on your journey and know I'm pulling for you, for "we" are infertile too! :o)

Thanks to you, I've found this website. I too am "fertile" but will be joining you in the land of IVF with ICSI in the next month or so. I wish love was enough for us too.

Hi, I recently started to read your blog and I love it. I also read Liz's so I think it is great that you are both writing here too. I am in a similar situation to you and although I consider us infertile (in the fact that me and my husband are in this together) unfortunately my husband doesn't share the same view, he totally blames himself. Looking forward to reading more. Secret Diary of an Infertile

I love it! I'm so glad there's one more place to go to read your stuff! This site is pretty cool. I wish it was around when I first embarked on the IVF journey. I wish the ratings buttons were a tad bigger though. It's hard to aim. Fortunately, it let me correct my vote when I accidentally clicked on the wrong circle!

Yay. :-) I was so happy to see a comment from you! Still can't believe we've been on this journey together since the beginning!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. They are helpful.

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